HUMOUR FOR YOUR EVENT
The use of humour is a great way to ensure a successful, fun and memorable event. The
component of humour should be built in at the beginning of your program to make people
relaxed and pumped up for the activities to come. You can try the following selected
jokes.
Classification: 18+
Warning: these jokes may contain suggestive and/or explicit sexual content and
language and might target particular individuals or groups of individuals based on
ethnicity, sex or physical characteristics.
Compiled by Total Entertainment DJ Services. © 2007-2013.
Contact us for your music and other entertainment services today!
855-449-3744 | www.TotalEntertainmentYYC.com
TABLE OF CONTENT
The Most Functional English Word .................................................................................... 2
Liquor Warning ................................................................................................................... 4
Love Thy Neighbour ........................................................................................................... 5
Hello? .................................................................................................................................. 6
At the Office ....................................................................................................................... 8
Quick Thinking ................................................................................................................... 9
Excerpts from "VIAGRA'S NEW COMPETITION" ....................................................... 10
Ed Zachary Disease........................................................................................................... 11
The escaped prisoner......................................................................................................... 12
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 1
The Most Functional English Word
Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit, Or
be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and
Shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 2
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a
paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English
language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope
you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But if you happened to catch a load of shit
from some shit head........Well,
Shit happens!
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 3
Liquor Warning
Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health Canada's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
kicked.
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 4
Love Thy Neighbour
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job
and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a
week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it
and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty
miles away.... Having a Xmas party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About
5..." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a
problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam
says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 5
Hello?
Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at
all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 6
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?”
Is this 486-5731?
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 7
At the Office
The Manager wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if
you let me screw you.... but the girl said NO. He said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend..
.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000
dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting
for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened......
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 8
Quick Thinking
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The
man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy
half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to
the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We
like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 9
Excerpts from "VIAGRA'S NEW COMPETITION"
BY D. HAWALESHKA, MACLEAN'S, DEC 15, 2003
Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and
will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be
possible for a man to pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name Mount & Do.
With Pfizer, the world's largest pharmaceutical company, Lilly ICOS and BayerGalaxoSmithKline all determined to stiffen men's romantic resolve, a massive
commercial thrust is underway to, um, free Willy.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 10
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite
some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr.Chang said, "Prease, take off all uour crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed
Zachary rike your ass.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 11
The escaped prisoner
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he
runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets
the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets
on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner .... look at his
clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I
saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist; don't complain; just do
what he tells you; give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he
will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found
you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I
love you too...
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 12
HUMOUR FOR YOUR EVENT
The use of humour is a great way to ensure a successful, fun and memorable event. The
component of humour should be built in at the beginning of your program to make people
relaxed and pumped up for the activities to come. You can try the following selected
jokes.
Classification: G (general)
Warning: these jokes are suitable for everyone..
Compiled by Total Entertainment DJ Services. © 2007.
Contact us for your music and other entertainment services today!
855-449-3744 | www.TotalEntertainmentYYC.com
TABLE OF CONTENT
Gender ............................................................................................................................... 14
The new way ..................................................................................................................... 15
Larger than $20.00 ............................................................................................................ 16
Redneck Pickup Lines...................................................................................................... 17
Europe’s Official Language .............................................................................................. 18
Interesting Facts ................................................................................................................ 19
Interesting Anagrams ........................................................................................................ 21
3 Women in heaven .......................................................................................................... 22
The little old lady .............................................................................................................. 23
Funny Riddles ................................................................................................................... 25
The School Room ............................................................................................................. 26
Women Are ....................................................................................................................... 27
Only in America ................................................................................................................ 28
Ever Wonder ..................................................................................................................... 29
I wonder… ........................................................................................................................ 30
The Genie .......................................................................................................................... 32
A brain .............................................................................................................................. 33
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 13
Gender
1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through
them,
2) Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong
buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire
under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000years, but it's
handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 14
The new way
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got
together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we
met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 15
Larger than $20.00
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted that read, "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The
woman in front of us, pointing to the sign remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger
than 20 dollars I wouldn't be eating here."
Fella goes into his favorite deli where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of
matzoh ball soup. The customer signals the waiter to come back.
"Taste the soup!" he commands.
"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.
"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.
"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything
wrong with the soup."
"Taste the soup!"
"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"
"Taste the soup!"
"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"
"TASTE THE SOUP!"
The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!" chortles Max.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 16
Redneck Pickup Lines
1)
Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2)
Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3)
My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4)
Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5)
If you was a tree & I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
6)
You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
7)
Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
8)
I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9)
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11)
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 17
Europe’s Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other
possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become
known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants
jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik
enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with
"v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after
ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze
drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 18
Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound
energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood
30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 19
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 20
Interesting Anagrams
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the
letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT ! MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE
ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 21
3 Women in heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter
says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter
heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.? It is almost impossible not
to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together
and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this
ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third
woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes
up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.?
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of
eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 22
The little old lady
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She
insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account
because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's
office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I
bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about
the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls
were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at
the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so
they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and
then asked if she could feel them.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 23
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The
Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 24
Funny Riddles
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you
overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question!
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
(You know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell
me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?!
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do
NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last
question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is
the name of the fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is
Mary. Read the question again.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 25
The School Room
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican
restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me
Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!
Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from
the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud
whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else,
I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 26
Women Are
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are
totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 27
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli'
in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 28
Ever Wonder
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 29
I wonder…
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eatthe next thing that
comes outta it's butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no
decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut why can't he fix a
hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their
crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to
look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy
dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is
baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 30
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid
when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you
take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 31
The Genie
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a
sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old
brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a
calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a
goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I
were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful
women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 32
A brain
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 33
HUMOUR FOR YOUR EVENT
The use of humour is a great way to ensure a successful, fun and memorable event. The
component of humour should be built in at the beginning of your program to make people
relaxed and pumped up for the activities to come. You can try the following selected
jokes.
Classification: PG-13
Warning: these jokes are not suitable for children under 13.
Compiled by Total Entertainment DJ Services. © 2007.
Contact us for your music and other entertainment services today!
855-449-3744 | www.TotalEntertainmentYYC.com
TABLE OF CONTENT
Don't disgrace the family .................................................................................................. 35
It's not so complicated! ..................................................................................................... 36
Turner Brown .................................................................................................................... 37
Exchange Rates ................................................................................................................. 38
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents ................................................................................. 39
Having A Bad Day? .......................................................................................................... 40
The Photographer .............................................................................................................. 41
Date rape drug targeting males -- WARNING !!! ............................................................ 43
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 34
Don't disgrace the family
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you
about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but
don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have
his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the
family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she hadpredicted:
"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on
top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 35
It's not so complicated!
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are
married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after
their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have
money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank
GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take
the initiative.
OW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner
with.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 36
Turner Brown
In the elevator....
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to,
shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy
says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look
and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn Around!"
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 37
Exchange Rates
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank.
Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get
hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 38
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she
would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 39
Having A Bad Day?
Everything needs to be put in perspective......
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the
supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 A.M.on
Sundays. A Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses
nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was
all about.
Just when the clock struck 11:00... Pookie Johnson the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered
the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having A Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was
$80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both...
Still Think You Are Having A Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a
dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank
of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Sony Walkman
Still Think You Really Are Having A Bad Day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and
scaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What? You Still Think You're Having A Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,he opened
it and was blown to bits.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 40
The Photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to
start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a baby photographer, who's working hard selling doorto-door, rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the
photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a
couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread
out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, we must take time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and
pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People
were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 41
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to
work".
"Tripod??”
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for
very long. Madam? Madam? ...Good Lord, Oh no… she's fainted!…”
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 42
Date rape drug targeting males -- WARNING !!!
Date rape drug targeting males
Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay
cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market
called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally
found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have
sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and
then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against
this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific
looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad
occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar
scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam
after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this
insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups
with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 43
Humour for your event (18+ rated)
Page 44