Partial Hospital Program – CBT
Communication Skills
We need to communicate with others – simply stated. It allows us to meet basic needs for survival and safety. It also
allows us to participate in the world around us. Sometimes our communication is effective and other times, not so
much. Effective communication means adapting methods of communicating to the situation and the people involved.
There is no “one right way” to communicate in all situations and with everyone.
Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive Communication
Assertive communication is honest and direct. It incorporates aspects of both Passive (+) and Aggressive (+) as listed
below.
Passive (–)
Passive (+)
Aggressive (+)
Aggressive (–)
Low self-esteem
Willing to
advocate for self
A leader
Controlling
Gets walked on
Direct
Listens to others
point of view
Intimidating
Does not get
needs met
Positive
self-concept
Proactive
Verbally
aggressive/hurtful
Stuffs
Can say “no”
Compassionate
Bully
Afraid of conflict
Laid Back
Willing to let others
have some control
Not open
to suggestions
Depressed
Can let others
make decisions
Charismatic
Lies
Self-loathing
Complimentary
Insecure
Can’t say no
Team oriented
Cocky
 Assertive people state their opinions while being respectful of others
 Aggressive people attack or ignore the opinions of others in favor of their own
 Passive people don’t state their opinions at all
The Passive Person
The Aggressive Person
The Assertive Person
Is afraid to speak up
Interrupts and “talks over” others
Speaks openly
Speaks softly
Speaks loudly
Uses a conversational tone
Avoids looking at people
Glares and stares at others
Makes good eye contact
Shows little or no expression
Intimidates others with expressions
Slouches and withdraws
Stands rigidly, crosses arms,
invades others’ personal space
Shows expressions that
match the message
Relaxes and adopts an
open posture and expressions
Isolates self from groups
Controls groups
Participates in groups
Agrees with others, despite feelings
Only considers own feelings
and/or makes demands of others
Speaks to the point
Values self less than others
Values self more than others
Values self equal to others
Hurts self to avoid hurting others
Hurts others to avoid being hurt
Does not reach goals and
may not know goals
Reaches goals but hurts
others in the process
Tries to hurt no one
(including self)
Usually reaches goals
without alienating others
You’re ok, I’m not
I’m okay, you’re not
I’m okay, you’re ok
ld Apr-16
345 Blackstone Boulevard • Providence • RI • 02906 • 401.455.6224
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Partial Hospital Program – CBT
Assertiveness Formula
1. “When you…”
Describe to the other people involved the troublesome situation as you see it. Be very specific about time and
actions, don’t make general accusations like “you’re always hostile… upset… busy.” Talk objectively, and don’t
suggest the other person is a total jerk. Focus on his or her behavior, not on his or her apparent motives.
Ex:
i. “When you look at me like that…”
ii. “When you talk to me like that…”
iii. “When you say…”
iv. “When you change your plans with me at the last minute…”
2. “I feel…”
Describe your feelings using an “I” statement.
Ex:
i. “I feel disappointed…”
ii. “I feel hurt…”
iii. “I feel angry…”
iv. “I feel frustrated…”
3. “Because…”
It is helpful to explain why you feel as you do. This describes your perception of their behavior.
Ex:
i. “It seems like the time we plan to spend together is not important to you…”
ii. “It gives me the impression that you don’t care about me…”
iii. “I get the idea that you don’t trust me…”
iv. It seems like you think you know better what’s best for me than I do…
v. “I get the impression that you were putting me down…”
4. “And I’d like you to…”
Describe the changes or adjustments you would like made, be specific about what action should stop and what
action should start.
Ex:
i. “And I’d like you to make time for plans that we make or give me more notice if you need to
change them in the future…”
ii. “And I’d like you to use a more respectful tone when talking to me…”
Sometimes when a person uses “the formula” to assert his or her feelings, others respond by attacking or blaming the
person for creating conflict. Techniques for responding to this kind of behavior are listed below.
1. Deflection – Helps turn away verbal attacks or accusations; a way of sidestepping destructive arguments over
how it is right or wrong, that usually lead to nowhere. When someone tells you “you are too sensitive” or “it’s
stupid to feel that way,” or simply, “you’re wrong” it is important not to act in defense of yourself. Instead, sidestep the accusation with responses like:
a. “That may be so…” (neither agreeing or disagreeing with the comment)
b. “I realize that is your perspective…”
And follow up with your perception:
c. “…but this is how I feel”
d. “…but I see things differently”
e. “…but I want you to know how your behavior affects me”
ld Apr-16
345 Blackstone Boulevard • Providence • RI • 02906 • 401.455.6224
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Partial Hospital Program – CBT
(Deflection, cont.) When you use this technique, you will be amazed at how easily you can stay focused on how
you feel, what you want, and what you don’t want. You honor your feelings as well as the feelings of others.
You are assertive that means you can have a difference in perspective without having to end the relationship or
abandon your thoughts and feelings.
2. Broken record – This involves repeating yourself over and over when you are communicating your feelings and
the other person responds back in an attack. With this technique you remain focused on your feelings and keep
yourself from getting distracted by other accusations or issues. If the person says, “aren’t we being a bit
touchy?” you might respond with:
a. “Maybe” (deflect) “but I want you to know that I feel angry when you tell me what I do or should not
do”
i. If the person continues with the argument with “well if you could get it together to get better,
then I would not have anything to say…” You might respond with:
1. “It is important for me that you know that when you tell me what to do or what not to
do, I feel angry”
This exchange may need to continue for a while with you remaining focused on your feelings. It is important to
remember that your goal in assertiveness is to feel better about yourself, not to try to change the other person.
ld Apr-16
345 Blackstone Boulevard • Providence • RI • 02906 • 401.455.6224
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