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BABY TALK
What babies would tell you if they could talk:
1. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in
love with the ceiling fan.
2. I know where the remote control
is, but it'll cost you.
3. To you, it's just an empty egg carton;
to me it's PlayStation 2.
4. No! You shouldn’t check my temperature!
5. Steel yourself...my first word is going to
be "cat."
6. I've told you five times what a cow says. If
you can't remember, I'm not telling you
again.
7. I can cry longer than you can listen.
8. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a
cat.
9. Who's that baby in the mirror you
keep asking me about?
10. Who are you two to tell me how
important it is to sleep alone?
11. It’s True! I am much smarter
than other babies.
12. If my bottom is so cute, why is someone always trying
to cover it up?
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RUDENESS IS A WEAK PERSON’S IMITATION OF STRENGTH
ALL I WANT IS FOOD, CUDDLES, ATTENTION AND EXERCISE…BASICALLY I’M A PUPPY…
ANY ONE PERSON AND GOD MAKE A MAJORITY
DON’T DIG UP IN DOUBT WHAT YOU PLANTED IN FAITH
FILL YOUR HEAD WITH WHAT’S IMPORTANT AND BE DONE WITH ALL THE REST
ONCE YOU BECOME FEARLESS LIFE BECOMES LIMITLESS
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF YOUR LIFELONG GOAL IS TO OWN A FIREWORKS STAND
STUCK IN TRAFFIC
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on a highway outside
Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly,
someone knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"
YOUR RELATIVES HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER EITHER
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar
ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them
all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going
from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much are other people giving?" the driver
asks.
The man replies, "Most people are giving about a gallon.”
DIVVY IT UP
A 4th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of
her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten
million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go
to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the
rest to charity. Now, what does each
get?"
After a very long silence a little
boy raised his hand. The teacher
called on him for his answer. With complete sincerity the little
boy answered, "A lawyer!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AT A BAD BARBECUE WHEN… EVERYTHING ON THE GRILL HAS A LONG, THIN TAIL
VETERANS – THEY GAVE THEIR TOMORROWS FOR OUR TODAYS
HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW DOCUMENTARY ABOUT REDNECKS? I ONLY SAW THE TRAILER...
Worship: 9:00am
Fellowship: 11:00am
Community Closet Thurs: 9am
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MY GOAL IS TO CREATE A LIFE THAT I DON’T NEED A VACATION FROM
YOU’RE FREE TO CHOOSE, BUT YOU’RE NOT FREE FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR CHOICE
THE SAME BOILING WATER THAT SOFTENS POTATOES HARDENS EGGS
IF GOD IS MAKING YOU WAIT BE PREPARED TO RECIEVE MORE THAN YOU ASKED FOR
NEVER SACRIFICE THE TRUTH ON THE ALTAR OF PEACE
* It was noted 20th-century English historian A.J.P. Talyor who
made the following sage observation: "Conformity may give
you a quiet life; it may even bring you to a University Chair.
But all change in history, all advance, comes
from the nonconformists. If there had been no
troublemakers, no dissenters, we should still
be living in caves."
* Those who study such things say that the
typical raccoon weighs twice as much in
September as it does in March, at the end
of the long, lean winter.
* Standard Oil of Louisiana opened the first gasoline superstation in 1912 in Memphis, Tennessee. It offered 13 pumps
and a maid who served ice water to customers. On opening day,
a gallon of gas cost $0.29.
A RELIGION WHICH COSTS NOTHING IS WORTH NOTHING
* You might be surprised to learn that Cirque du Soleil, the
largest theatrical producer in the world, was
founded by two street performers who never
completed high school.
* Iconic actress Marilyn Monroe spent much of
her childhood in foster homes and an orphanage,
and her troubled life has been much publicized.
Considering her struggles with depression, anxiety
and addiction, it should not be surprising that Monroe's will named the Anna Freud Center, a mental-health research, training and treatment center dedicated to helping children, as a beneficiary.
* A global survey of people's vacuuming habits finds that
more than 60 percent of vacuumers in Colombia, Mexico, Brazil and Chile listen to music while performing
that chore -- more than anywhere else in the world.
Only a third of Americans listen to music, though;
according to the survey, the favorite pastime of
vacuumers in the United States is just to think
about vacuuming.
Thought for the Day: "When the power of love overcomes the
love of power the world will know peace." -- Jimi Hendrix
(c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.