“Kissing” in France
I have always been interested in Europe and the European culture. I have always
liked to watch the European films, TV series and novels, etc. Therefore in my
university when I could choose a second foreign language, I chose French without
hesitation. But no matter the language or the culture, the understanding was so
limited. Well it’s been almost two years that I’ve been living in a city in France. It is
not even my first contact with this country because before I arrived I already had
some impressions, and it was not merely a journey—because now that I am studying
and living here; I should integrate into French life.
But still something happened that surprised me greatly, especially, kissing. The
first year in France we 17 Chinese students studied French in a college and the
director was a very warm-hearted elderly man. At the beginning of the first meeting
he made la bise to each girl, but his greeting kiss was more like a real kiss on both
cheeks, not just touching. I felt uncomfortable and other girls had the same feeling as
me; after all, it was just the first meeting and we were not familiar with each other. So
from the next meeting on, most of the girls kept intentionally at a distance from this
director.
There is a French guy who is one of the friends of my best friend, so he and I are
not very familiar. Although he is very funny and talkative, every time we get together,
he always talks about how many girlfriends he has, and he is so proud of this. But
from my personal point of view, I don’t like this; so once when we all met, I refused
his bisous and said, “I’m used to shake hands.” He was very embarrassed, and of
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cause others were surprised too. I don’t know him very well and I don’t like his
attitude towards girls; therefore I don’t want to him have such close contact with me.
When I met people that I don’t know well I just stuck out my hands and said I am a
Chinese, so they were obliged to accept a handshake.
But once when I was chanting with several French girls, a girl came over to us
and all the girls were so happy to kiss her on both cheeks and say “hi.” We chatted
for a while, and after this girl left, one girl said: “I don’t like her, you know she is
so …,” and the other girls nodded their heads in agreement. At that moment I thought,
“they are such hypocrites.” On the contrary, my male Chinese classmates saw the
French greeting and enviously said: “The French guys are so lucky.” But these
Chinese guys were afraid to kiss on both cheeks of the French girls to say “hi.” They
felt too embarrassed to take the initiative.
And now I am going to talk about my anecdote about the French lovers’ kiss.
From the first day I arrived in France, no matter when and where, I could see the
lovers are always reveling in great bliss; they kiss without any thoughts about
themselves. One day I was talking with my teacher near a coffee machine, and a pair
of lovers held each other tight in front of us. After a while they began to kiss—at that
moment I was so embarrassed, and I thought they are genuinely open; they don’t care
what other people think of them. Then I cast a furtive glance at my teacher—he was
completely oblivious of his surroundings and kept on talking. But I felt more and
more embarrassed, so I rose stiffly, jerkily from my seat and blurted out, “Excuse me
I want to wash my hands!” After I came back from the bathroom, fortunately the
kissers had stopped. I finally asked my teacher about his feeling about this thing, and
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he said with smile: “That’s because why you went to the bathroom? I think they are
very cute—obviously they love each other.”
Here is my anecdote about the French family’s kiss. I teach a five year-old French
girl Chinese in my spare time. Generally I spend one day a week with her family.
Frankly at the beginning I was not perfectly suited for this, just because I was a little
bit shocked to see daughter and father kiss mouth to mouth! At the start, the little girl
kissed my cheeks when we greeted or said goodbye, but after two weeks maybe we
gradually became closer, and she began to kiss me on my mouth. Although I’m so
happy that she likes me, in all honesty, I feel a little strange and I cannot say
specifically what it feels like!
Last summer I was on holiday in Montpellier. I stayed at my French friend’s
house for almost two weeks and I remember very clearly the first night my friend
asked me: “Could you say good-night and give a kiss to each of my family members,
you know, this is our custom, if you don’t mind.” I said that I was very willing to
accept! In the following days, I enjoyed this family atmosphere and I was very
touched by this mutual concern; they were so friendly and his family is extremely
happy!
Analysis of the incident
The French greeting kiss makes us Chinese feel uncomfortable and dubitative. Firstly
we don’t see the French kissing as mere etiquette—because in the word “kiss,” the
first feeling for us is intimate. In the view of the majority of Chinese people, a kiss is
just exists in the relationship of lovers, not in a common relationship. We see kissing
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as a very personal thing, implying feelings of love or affection. Secondly, in the
background of this opinion is Chinese traditional etiquette; many Chinese generations
have been influenced by the Confucian teachings about the propriety between men
and women, which say that men and women should maintain a proper distance from
each other. Mencius1 first proposed this in his work. So when the people that we
don’t know well kiss, especially between the opposite sex, this becomes a very
sensitive event, even though for the most part of French people, it is like a
handshake—it just means “hello,” nothing more! Therefore in the case of my
anecdote, I used my own cultural rules to interpret the meaning of the event “the
French greeting kiss,” and this is the reason why we kept our distance with the
director and I refused to make la bise with the boy whom I don’t like and made the
error of thinking the French girls were hypocrites.
In the case of French lovers’ kiss, the similar behavior “was lovers’ kiss”; no
matter whether French lovers or Chinese lovers, both of us, we kiss our beloved. But
why did I think the French lovers were so open? “If we overlook cultural differences
and interpret another individual’s behavior according to our own cultural rules,
drastic errors are likely to occur sooner or later.” 2 In my cultural background
showing too much intimacy in public is ungraceful, especially in the front of a senior.
It is impolite for young people to show intimate contact in the presences of elders. So
this is the reason why I glanced at my teacher and asked his feeling. Come to think of
it, this incident was not really important. I keep considering why I rose from my seat:
1
Mencius (Chinese: 孟子; Zhuyin/Bopomofo: ㄇㄥˋ ㄗˇ; pinyin: Mèng Zǐ; Wade–Giles: Meng Tzu, most accepted dates: 372
– 289 BCE; other possible dates: 385 – 303/302 BCE) was a Chinese philosopher who was arguably the most famous Confucian after
Confucius himself.
2
Elijah P. LOVEJOY. “Red Flags: A Technique for Improving Observation and Analysis for People in a New Culture.” AFS
International, p.7.
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I think it’s too hard to explain it; when I realized it, I just did it!
In the case of the French family’s kiss I was shocked by the kiss of a five year-old
French girl and the mouth-to-mouth contact between daughter and father because for
us Chinese, a kiss is just exists in the relationship of lovers; it is a way to express
their love and enjoy a sweet moment. Kissing gives people love’s beauty, so that’s
why I was a bit shocked when I saw this action existed in the blood relation. This
cultural conflict depends on the expressions of love. The Chinese are discreet and the
French are more frank and straightforward, So this is the reason why I was touched
by the French family’s atmosphere.
But nowadays there is a “strange” phenomenon in China: increasing numbers of
Chinese people want to become more intimate with each other, especially as parents
and children. They are just eager for a kiss, a hug and saying, I love you. Certainly
there are many issues behind this phenomenon, but it’s becoming clear that the
Chinese want to express their feelings, especially for their loved ones. I always heard
foreigners around me who expressed their feelings directly, saying, “my darling,” “I
love you,” and “I miss you”… It seems simple to say these words, but for us, the
Chinese, it is hard to say them. So we are often known as being reserved. The
Chinese elderly never say, “I love you” to their loved ones. But nowadays, physical
contact, skin-touching and expressing love are becoming important for Chinese
people who want to express their feelings for loved ones. Undeniably we are tied by
something, perhaps tradition, our history, yet, the extent of our feelings of love is
indubitably deep and thick.
To conclude, in my cases, all I talked about is kiss, the same thing in different
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situations. I got different reactions and evaluations, some are negative red flags but
there are also positive red flags. Therefore I would like to reflect on how to behave
when such a situation occurs. From study and my own experience, I know that if we
look for parallels in the two countries, we can make progress in understanding both.
Obviously no one can know every detail of a new culture when he first arrives, but
we should first be careful in following our own subjective reactions.
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