J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
THE CONSULTATION
Throughout the drive her eyes flicked to the digital display on the dashboard.
Don’t be late. You can’t be late. You hate being late. Her insistent inner voice
said. Don’t be silly. You won’t be late. You’re never late. The equally insistent
reply came. Pulling into an available parking spot she got out and wandered
over to the meter. She had no idea how long she should stay for. Playing safe
she inserted three pound coins and watched as the ticket dropped into the
dispenser. After checking for change…………force of habit……there was none,
she walked back to her car, opened the door and using the self-adhesive
sticker on its reverse stuck the ticket on the dash above her steering wheel.
Locking the car, she then made her way down the steep pavement to the
crossing and waited for the pedestrian lights to turn green before walking into
the road. Relishing in the moment she took her time as the cars and buses
waited impatiently, keen to be gone. No sooner had her feet touched the
other side than the traffic leviathan was unleashed into the distance.
Checking the letter again, she made her way down the high street, registering
the numbers of the different business addresses, until she finally found the
one she was looking for. There were two offices, both bearing the same
surname. The one she wanted was downstairs. Did she have time for a
cigarette? Yes! Reaching into her bag she found the pack and flipped the lid,
using her lips to extract one of the thin white death sticks from it. Rummaging
a second time she searched for her lighter. No lighter... no cigarette. Oh well,
she’d have to have one later.
Opening the door she stepped inside to find herself surrounded by a small,
compact waiting room adorned with several steel framed chairs, their polished
seats a testament to the countless bottoms which had graced them over the
years. Various prints hung on the walls, of which one in particular caught her
attention. She recognised the artist Gessler…… Essker….Escher that was it.
Escher. He was the one whose pictures made you think that water literally
could flow uphill and that ordinary people could walk down walls. If you spent
too much time thinking about such things it would drive you insane. So she
tried her best not to, however she wasn’t always successful. This probably
explained why she was here. So, which way did the water, run up or down?
Logically water could only run down, but ooops……………...there she went again.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
Selecting a chair which seemed less careworn than the others she settled
herself in for the wait. Her appointment was at 10:30, but she made it a point
to always arrive anywhere at least half an hour early, a principle she prided
herself on and one which she could not see herself changing now. Opposite
her a framed print (not by Escher) of a bull dog stared back, the eyes tracking
her every movement as she sat folding and unfolding her arms. Other pictures
of cats and dogs covered the walls, whilst an aquarium full of tropical fish was
situated on a low plinth on another wall, its inmates gliding like ships in full
sail, long fins trailing pennant like in the water. This psychiatrist really liked his
animals. Or perhaps the presence of the aquarium was a strategy? Yes that
was it, a strategy which had more to do with creating a calming ambience than
a colourful spectacle. If so it didn’t work. Why didn’t it work? The plain fact
was that aquarium or no aquarium, he could plaster the walls with as many
delightful doggie portraits he liked; it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference,
she’d still be nervous. And how did she know she was still nervous? She knew
she was still nervous because she was talking mindless drivel. Well, not talking
it as such, but she was definitely thinking it and that was just as bad. Talking,
thinking it didn’t really matter, the fact that her mind was even contemplating
such things was proof enough that her bosses were right in sending her here,
though her meltdown at a recent meeting probably had something to do with
it. Enough…… she needed to stop and calm down. Even she was driving
herself nuts and that was quite an achievement. Normally only other people
did that.
But, she had reason to be nervous didn’t she? Yes, of course, she had good
reason. After all, it wasn’t every day you met a living breathing psychiatrist,
who quite literally had the power to end your career with a few well-chosen
words. But she tried not to dwell on the events which had brought her here
and did her best to sit calmly practising the breathing techniques she’d been
taught by her Tai Chi instructor. It was just a pity that her anger had got the
better of her in the boardroom, though she’d been assured the CEO would
recover. Closing her eyes she cleared her mind and sat quietly, allowing the
emptiness to fill her thoughts, her chest rising and falling like the gentle swell
of waves stirred by a summer’s breeze. Ahhhhhh, this was so much better.
This was relaxing, this was peaceful this was……………………not happening.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
The wetness on her knee jerked her mind back to the reality of her
surroundings. Peeling open first one eye and then the other her gaze was met
by a pair of brown eyes peering out from beneath a shaggy mop of mousey
coloured fur. Registering the open door through which it must have gained
access, her mind was once again pulled back with a jolt when the dog’s wet
nose rubbed against her other knee cap leaving a slime trail which any selfrespecting snail would have been proud of. She was not by nature a lover of
dogs, especially dogs who wiped their noses on her various body parts.
Therefore, this relationship was doomed from the start, however it was not in
her nature to seek a confrontation and so she sat, fixed to the seat, straining
every sinew in an effort to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. It didn’t
work. The dog continued to rub its nose in her knee and she continued to
recoil inwardly whilst outwardly making a show of acceptance. This scene was
repeated for a few minutes longer until the door opened further to admit a
middle aged man holding a lead. Thank God….. It was the dog’s owner.
“There you are………………………….. You know you shouldn’t go running off like
that. You got me all worried.” The owner sat down opposite her admonishing
the dog as if it were a child who had crossed the road without looking in a bid
to escape, causing traffic to swerve and drivers to swear. For all she knew
perhaps it had. Bad dog………………. Very bad dog. And anyway, only she was
allowed to upset the traffic.
“Nice dog………………………….” She lied, keen to establish a rapport in which she
would be able to negotiate terms regarding the dog’s use of her knee as a
handkerchief.
“Thank you.” Replied the man smiling as the aforementioned hound turned its
sorrowful eyes back to its owner a drip of drool spooling down to the scuffed
linoleum floor. “You know, he only does that to people he really likes. You
should feel honoured.”
“Really?” Her response sounded less than convincing but she hoped that he
hadn’t noticed. All she wanted was for the dog to see the error of its ways and
find something else on which to blow its nose. She lived in hope. Hope wasn’t
playing along.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
“Really, really. I kid you not.” A wry smile floated around his lips as he stared
back at her, the dog once again nuzzling her knee like there was no tomorrow.
“I’m sure you don’t.” She replied, conscious that the exchange between them
was developing into a game of conversational tennis, lob, parry, volley……………
“So, what are you here for?” The drop shot question took her unawares. Love
fifteen……
First, the thing with the pictures and the aquarium. Then the dog and now
this. Her mind was in overload. She didn’t want to be rude but she had only
just met this man and she didn’t feel inclined to discuss matters of a personal
nature with a stranger. So of course she told him that. Except, she didn’t. She
couldn’t. It wasn’t in her nature to tell him to mind his own business, so
instead she avoided the question by inventing a response. In every stretch of
the imagination it was a lie, but she justified this in her own mind by reassuring
herself that it was a necessary course of action to maintain her own privacy.
“Oh, ………ohh……….I see….. You think…… you think I’m here for an
appointment……” Nervous laugh, smile, another nervous laugh, followed by
another smile. “No, no. I’m actually here waiting for a friend. She’s inside
right now being seen. I said I’d come along with her. To give her moral
support.” Yes, that should do it. Stand up and take a bow that woman. In the
list of creative responses aka lies, that one stood up to be counted and
knocked further speculative questions right out of the court. Fifteen all.
The man looked at her somewhat curiously and then responded. “Oh, that’s a
relief. I thought there was a queue. I hate queuing. But then again, I hate
pretty much everyone and everything, except my dog. My dog’s my best
friend. He’s everyone’s best friend too, except when he gets aggressive. You
see, he doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s just misunderstood. Aren’t you
Genghis?”
“Genghis? You called your dog Genghis? She looked back down at the dog
that was now lazing on the floor one leg raised as it licked leisurely across its
groin, engrossed in the activity, its longue pink tongue studiously searching the
surface. Aware that it was being talked about, it stopped in mid lick and
surveyed her with its brown eyes. Were those really the eyes of a pet with
violent tendencies? She wasn’t in a hurry to find out.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
The owner continued, warming to his theme. “Yes….. Genghis. It’s a strong
name. A powerful name. A name which conjures up images of toughness and
resilience. You know, they say dogs reflect the personality of their owners, so
to me it was a straightforward choice. Well, I say straightforward. For a while
I was toying with the idea of Adolf, but I couldn’t get over the image of the
little moustache. I mean, imagine me walking the dog in the park and calling
Adolf at the top of my voice. It’s not exactly going to be the most popular
choice for anyone of a Jewish persuasion; though it was the thoughts of that
little moustache which really made me question it as a suitable name.”
She looked down at the dog which stared back at her in its inelegant pose,
groin still exposed and immediately visualised it with a moustache. But not
just any moustache. The moustache, the little paintbrush moustache which
had literally brought a whole continent to its knees. Maybe given the owner’s
penchant for creating strong images through nomenclature the choice of Adolf
as a name was not such a bad one after all. Though it did mess with her brain
a little and given the parlous state of her nerves it was probably best for her
not to dwell on it too much. God she really needed a cigarette. In an attempt
to deflect the images she was getting she countered them with a question of
her own.
“So, what brings you here?” The question seemed innocuous enough, though
the answer when it came did throw her off balance.
“A bad case of worms.”
“I’m sorry. Worms? I wasn’t aware that was something they treated here.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised what they treat here. Acne, anal sac disorder, bad
breath, ear mites …….to name but a few. I’ve seen them all, but luckily they’re
all behind us now. Eh Genghis?” He winked conspiratorially at the dog.
“Anal sac disorder……..that sounds positively awful?” She visibly blanched, not
wishing to know the details but somehow sensing that all too soon she would
be made aware of them.”
“Oh that…… you know it’s not as bad as it sounds. The insurance paid out so I
was lucky, though it did bump my premium up. But, the one that got to me
the most was the bad breath, phew..!. You know there’s no hiding from that.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
I couldn’t go anywhere without people commenting. It was so embarrassing
and anti-social. Try as I might it just wouldn’t go. In the end we had to change
completely to a vegetarian diet.” Another conspiratorial wink to the dog.
“Was that hard?” She hoped that by feigning interest he wouldn’t suddenly go
into a discourse on anal sac disorder. The ploy seemed to be working as he
warmed to his theme.
“Vegetarianism has its critics but there’s something to be said for it, though it
was hard finding vegetarian chew sticks. I mean, they’re out there, but you
have to really look hard for them and they’re an acquired taste not to mention
the cost.”
“Oh, I can imagine.” She couldn’t but she said it anyway, thanking her lucky
stars that she’d dodged the bullet on anal sac disorder and all its associated
imagery which even now was still playing on her mind. After quickly checking,
her watch the 30 minute mental calculation made, she noted that it was
already well past 10:30. Keen to keep the conversation steered along the true
course of vegetarianism she decided she would explore the subject of chew
stick substitutes.
“Did you ever consider carrot batons?” She just threw that out there to test
the water a little though the silence which greeted her suggestion was a fair
indication that a response would probably not be forthcoming. In a vain
attempt to refocus his mind and avert disaster she added “Carrot batons,
wholesome, less expensive and also good for the eyesight.” Still no response.
Oh God, she thought, here it comes, and he’s going to revert to a discussion on
anal whatdyamacallit. Her ability to banish the topic from her mind had been
so effective that she’d already forgotten its proper title. Ah success. Anal sac
disorder. Damn! She’d clearly not been successful enough. The dog owner
sat there lost in thought for a while, his brows furrowed. At that moment the
door to the inner office opened and a woman dressed in a white uniform
appeared. Bending down she drew level with Genghis and scratched him
around the ears. The dog responded by stopping its groin licking and looked
up as if asking permission from its owner to accept the attention. Its sorrowful
eyes unblinking.
J. J. WATERS – THE CONSULTATION
“We’re ready for you now Genghis.” Rising the nurse walked back to the door
she’d just come through, followed by the dog owner and a somewhat reticent
Genghis. As she walked past her the young woman looked at her watch and
caught the other woman’s eye, a puzzled look on her face.
“Excuse me, I have no wish to be rude but I have a ten thirty appointment with
Doctor Lane. I make it ten forty now. When will I be seen?
“I’m sorry, what was your name again?”
“Janice. Janice Parker. As I said, I have a ten thirty appointment.”
“I think there’s been some kind of mistake Miss Parker. We’re seeing Genghis
now. You see, I work for Mr Lane his brother Doctor Lane has the office above
this one. This is a veterinary surgery.”
Smiling the woman walked on towards the door and upon reaching it held it
open for Genghis and his owner. As they reached it, both dog and owner
turned in unison, the latter opening his mouth to pass comment.
“Carrot batons. You know, you may have something there.”
Genghis seemed less convinced.