BARE FACTS NiGHTLiNE 32710- BFADVERTISING 509227 This Гs just a sample of the Continental goodies in store for you in this week's issue of Bare Facts. Ftiday 5th May has been sentenced indefinately, his case will be reviewed from time to time. Student Jailed For Mayhem In City Possibly the most dГ¬stuibing incident of the week occurred when Matthew Williams, a student at Leeds University was detained for Ufe after admitting to a soies of o f f i c e s involving fГ¬re, poison, bombs and crossbows. In a serГes of 11 diarГ¬es, Williams chronocled his activities ovCT a period of three years. He wiote, "I hate people. The majority of peqple I come into В«Hitact with are filtГiy, ignorant, aggressive scum, who should not exist I intend to destroy them ali by whatevCT means I can. I will not tolerate ignorance and stupidity." Among William's many offences was the planting of a nail bomb in a Liverpool Street; cmising 180,000 of damage to the mausoleum c l u ^ l at Leeds University, and an attempt on his family*s life by by injecting a tin of tomatoes with the lethal substance, sodium chlorate. Williams aiso fired a crossbow through a neighbour's window because of continuousplaying of country and westem music into the early hours; stole enough cyanide to kill 300 people, and placed bombs into locai tele> phone kiosks. Nobody was injured during his three year campaign, and his solicitor. MI Michael Maguire said that Williams was "grateful that no one was physically harmed." Williams wrote in one diary, thatSOgms of pure sodium cyanide he had stolen from the Univo^ty was "an e x t r ^ e l y useful substance, and with reference to a napalm bomb that he set off in Biricenhead, he wrote, "We chucked in a petrol bomb for good luck. It went on buming for ages. We laughed and laughed." One PsychiatrГst described Williams as a "fascinating individuai", and although he China Crisis. vents in China over the last few weeks reached a head last week when the Chinese lead^, Mr Deng Xiaping auth(HГ¬sed the use of violence in onW to quell stud^t dГ©monstrations in Beijing, bi an emergency meeting of the politburo, Mr Deng complained that the govOTunent had allowed the situation to get out of hand, and that if necessary, "blood could be shed." Democratic reforms in Hungary and Poland had motivated the Chinese students to demГіnstrate in ordo to demand similar "politicai libГ©ralisation", said Mr Deng, and in a meeting of party officiais, proceeded to blame the prГ©sent situation on the former, reform minded party leado, Mr Hu Yaobang. On Friday last, the Editor of the World Economie Herald, Mr Qin Benli was sacked afto publishing a six page commemorative special on the late Mr Yaobang. In response, one hundred journalists at the paper signed a pГ©tition that dissasociated them from any Г©ditorials, written by the State, while the paper was temporarГ¬ly closed fbr "ratification." Chinese intellectuals threatened to speak out against the govemment if the illegai march organised for last Wednesday wsn*t allowed to go ahead. In Shanghai on Tuesday, 70000 students marched to the People's Square, and many delivoed an ultimatum to the Nati(Htal Pec^le's Congress, listing 12 conditions for a dialogue. Students continually boycotted classes last w e ^ and many were prepared to face confrontation with the police over the issues of democracy within their country. 1989 On the Home Front ^ I t h o u g h not actually confirmed by the DES, it is understood that student fees will increase next year. The present rate is 578 per year, and this will rise to at least 1200pa. Again, although not confirmed, the suggestion is that this increase will be paid for by the LEA*s, and reccurent grant will be reduced accordingly. The main problems with this are: 1 Will student tuitГ¬on fees be paid fully by the LEA, or will this introduction of market forces herald the beginning of a system whereby students pay the diffГ©rence between Гјie minimum fee and that actually paid? 2 If tuition fees are not set at a minimum, an even greater Г±muicialburd^ on students will occur, thus dissuading many people from entering our already beleaguered educatim system LSE vote in convicted criminal P i n a l l y this week, LSE failed to achieve a two-thirds majority necessary to remove WinstiMi Silcott, the man convicted of murdering PC Blakelock during the Tottenham riots, from his position as honourary PrГ©sident. Kenneth Baker described the situation as "the loony left trying to hijack a great institution." Since the dГ©cision, investment from industry and former students to the tune of ВЈ400000 has been withdrawn, and the whole unfortunate episode has helped the Conservative membere of the College in their attempts to make membership of the NUS voluntary. andrew I PUBLISHED BY THE UNIVERSITY OFSURREY STUDENTS' UNION | BARE FACTS 2 Friday May sth 1989 Sallie's Section Bare Facts ^ ^ e l c o m e to what could be the praultimate Г©dition of Bare Facts. Yes in* deed you will no long^ be able to find eut what's going on in and around the campus, know w h ^ and wh^e anything is happening or indeed air your grievances through the pages of this rag. j ^ a r e Facts has been the centre of much critisism and discussion this year but still they are d e s p o t e help, one questi(m still at the height of these discussions is what exactly should BP be used for. LI9 T ^ c t example are ]^rs(Mials wwth the paper they are written on, should club and societies be allowed to write articles directed at their m e m b ^ only? If you wish to see BF continue oc have any comments at ail about content, direction, policies etc t h ^ a x n e to the big show down Tuesday 9th May Ipm Inner Gal- F lery. Вї f no more than a handful tum up I am sorry but I will let the magazine fold not only am I not |В»epared to take the task on but I think it is extremely bad policy fcM^ sabbaticals to have any control ovct a publication which should be constructively critisizing their work. You have been warned. Nelson Mandela Room Booking Regulations ^ t Wednesdays Club Committee (hopefully) new booking regulaticxis for the Nelson Mandela Room were passed. These regulations will give the club the ability to fme those who abuse the room by stubbing out cigarettes on the flow, leave rubbish around the room etc. If you are going to name a room after Nelson Mandela then it should be treated with respect so check with the food and b e v ^ g e office over what theregulaticxis are and stick to them. Fascism At Surrey ^J^ever before have I been so enraged as when I discovered certain grafГЇГ®tti in our Union. Scralled on the Nelson Mandela Sign is NF Room - 1 fmd this absolutely horrifying and am totally disgusted that anyone here could even consider writing this. The National Front are a bunch of thugs who beleive in white supremecy and to put their name next to that of a man fighting for the rights of black South Africans shows utter contempt for vast numbers of students at tiiis University. There is no way this Unicm will allow any such acts of fascism and those involved will soon find they no Icxiger have the right to use our facilities. Grants Not Loans ^ f ^ e l l , details of the rqiresmtative lobbies have changed somewhat since last week. There will now be one lobby on the 25th May for Black, Disabled. Mature and W(Hnen studВ»its. Let me know if you wish to take pan in this event so th^ we can arrange transpcHt and appointmrats with your MPs. Itis intended that these lobbies bring home to many MPs the particular e^ects any Loans schemes will have on these groups make sure you're represented. So tiiat's ali f(X-this week and couki be ali for evo* fairly soon! Remember it's up to you - Rome wasn't built in a day and BF isn't put together by two blokes working ali day and night! ^ you on Tuesday Salile Robins Sue's Space Velcome back afto* your hols", or "hope the revision/exams are going well" - which evCT is more relevant at the moment!! Things that have been happening here whilst youVe been away: University Court All the rooms are now Hnished!! The Health Centre which is at the far w d of the University Court site is due to be finished by the summer, also another car paik is to be built CHI the land cleared below the Chancellors Bar. Do you r e m ^ b e r back in w e ^ 3 of last tenn when we had Alcc^ol Awareness Week and some of the Sabbaticals and Union Officials w ^ qxmsored to Stay Dry? Well this was the result: the total raised was ВЈ320. Well done you healthy loU M(Miey will go to the following charities: St Josephs Centre - a rehabilitation centre for alcoholics based at the Holy Cross Hospital, Haslemere - ВЈ43 Guildford Counselling Cratre - for alcoholics and other drug u s ^ - ВЈ74 ACCEPT - a national charity for problem drinkers and tranquiliser users - ВЈ94 Alcohol Conern • a national alcohol educati(xi charity • ВЈ83 Jason Cox donated half of his sponsor money to Cancer Research as he gave up smoking for a week too!! During last terms Green Awareness Week money was also raised from the Jumble Sale (ВЈ100) and the Raffle (ВЈ40). This money has been deviated to: World WUdlife Fund ВЈ38 Friends of the Earth ВЈ38 Greenpeace ВЈ38 The Woodland Trust ВЈ25 (the Students Union planted an area of trees at Chiphouse Wood, Chipstead, Surrey). Thanks to all those who helped out! The Glastonbury Cnd Festival Is on again this year - 16 - 18 June at Worthy Farm, Pilton, Somerset Advance Tictets cost ВЈ28 and are available from O ^ (Festival) 22 - 24 Underwood Street. LONDON, N1 7 J G . Cheques and postal orders should be made payable to Glastonbury Festivals Limited Please raclose a stamped addressed envelope with your ordo*. Calling All Arab Students I have information from an organisation called "Arab Student Aid Intrniational" they offer scholarships and advice on reg- istration fees etc to Arab University Students. Anyone interested see me! Are You The Son Or Daughter Of A Sales Rep? I also have information from the Royal Dinno- School Foundation - a trust set up for the purpose of assisting by means of grants and awards in the education of sons and daughtCTS, below the age of 2S, of sales reps w h ^ the family has suffered adverstiy. I have more info if anyone's interested. Nursery Provision We have set up a woridng party to investigate the possibilities of extending the nursery facilities at this Urtiversity. At the moment the nursery is only open in the minings and only caters for 3 - 4 year olds. We would like to see an all day nursery for children from 6 months - S years. Anycxie who is interested or has information that maybe useful to the group please contact me. Campus Lighting Please keq) an eye out fw areas of campus that are badly lit CM* lights that are not woiking and report t h ^ to me ASAP thanks. C h e ^ m'dears SUE BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 3 Any more and I'll Sue The New Emergency Telephone System EMERGENCY telq)hone COVCT for the residences was previously provided by priva^ ckcuits with special telq)hones situated at specific points. This system has now been changed and an0800Emo-gency Link Line number can be used from any payphone. This number should be displayed on all telephones on campus. PLEASE CHECK THAT THE STICKER DISPLAYING THE NUMBER IS INTACT - if not let me know as soon as poss! The new system has many advantages in that: i) there*s more call points ii) University Court and Hazel Farm are covered iii) Stag Hill Court residents do not have to venture outside (the old onerg^cy phones were situated outside the house). New i^ones have also been installed in Guildford Court so that thwe is now one phone per floOT (ie 2 per house). There is a slight problem with Surrey Court and Battersea Court with only 1 phone per 2 floors. It is being proposed that the phones be moved out of the kitchens into the corridors so that e v ^ o n e has easy access tt) them (the phone will still ring in the kitchen). This could make your phone calls more private! HowevCT another altmative might be to provide each student with a key to the nearest flocnr with a phone, but this could then create security problems. Any comments, complaints, suggestions that anyone may have on the new system please let me know. Blood Transfusion ' J^ 'he Blood Transfusion SCTVГЊCC would like to take some of your blood! They will be visiting the University on Wednesday 17 and Thursday 18 May in the main University Hall. Appointment times can be made on Thursday 11 and Friday 12 May all day in the Students Union. Son of Sue's Space: The Revenge Electives Do You Stili Want Them!! ^'here is a move afoot to abolish electives! le proposai is that they will be replaced by more focussed provision which concentrГ©es on fcveign languagees and (xi mana g ^ e n t business studies. The more ^cultural' element of the present electives will be covCTed by extending activities of the University ARts Committee and through other extra-mural programmes (these could occur only in the evenings or at lunchtimes and you could even be charged). Also contained in the proposai is a move to limit the exchanges that s(xne of our students take part in with Ammcan Universities. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? J f not, talk to your Course Reps and lecturers. These proposais will go forward for discussion at the University Senate Committee cm May 23. Let your Hea^ of Department know your views - they will be representing you at this meeting! Sue ^CAREERS SERVICE^ A CAREER IN THE ROYAL NAVY T o find out m o r e a b o u t S p o n s o r s h i p and C a r e e r O p p o r t u n i t i e s in the Royal Niivy, Roynl M a r i n e s or W o m e n ' s Royal Naval S e r v i c e , m a k e an appointm e n t through your C a r e e r s Advisory S e r v i c e to s e e the Royal Navy's G r a d u a t e L i a i s o n Officer. PLACE H^T TYPING Our Computer/word processor facilities mean we can produce liigh quaiitv woric N E X T VISIT P L A N N E D FOR: TIMF Have You Got Work That Needs Typing? We Can Do It For You At Competitive Rates. FAST DATE. hOYAC MГ„K^ f^^ A P P o t igrr M i r t В« ^ " ' " t* 10ms rtr^ NAVY Phone East Horsley (85) 3514 or 3608 We can collect and deliver work If required BARE FACTS 4 Friday May sth 1989 GM ,European Style Surrey Says Yes to Europe "Britain must wake U iqi Dto toEurope, Europe." saia James McMatn. Industrial Year studrat, and the union ovo^vhelmingly agreed at the G.M. last Tuesday. His moticxi, backed by the Young European Movement based in London, forms part of their campaign fw Eiux)pean Democracy. The approach oi the European parliamentary elections on June 15th has brought the issue of 1992 into shaip focus; where do we go from here? James insisted we must go fcvward, to create a Europe open fa' people and not just for business. "The cultural divo^ty of Europe is a strength to be promoted, and not to be crushed by economic forces" he said. " T h ^ ' s n o reascHi why we can't be both British and European". He called for people to vote in the elections in June, to have their say saym inthe theway waythat thatEurope Europeisisevolving. evolvine. He Healso urged people to join the Suney bianch of the Young European Movement, which will iHtMnote these views on a wider scale, among students and townspeople. "Britain is in Europe fw good" he said, "We'vegot to take a leading role, not just sit on the sidelines as we have in the past". If you care about your country's future, vote in the elections in June, and for ftmho- inframation ccxitact James McMath c/o Young European Movement, 1, Whitehall Place, London S W1A 2DA(tel.018393793) J. McMath Alternative Prospectus J n last week's BF you may well have found a sheet about the Alternative Prospectus. The idea is to gather views of the university in order lo pres^t the prospective Surrey student with more (s(Mne may say more accurate) infcmnation than just that contained in the officiai univCTSity prospectus. Now, it is well understood that most people reading this will have a lot to do this torm, what with exams and that sort of thing, but just a few miniscule littie moments of your oh-so-precious time mav help a large numberof people a great deal. Everyone here has time enough to scribble down their complaints, praises and comments about their c o u i ^ , the library, the shop, the launderette, the bank etc etc. So if someone is making your breakfast a misery by ccMnplaining ВЎВїout their course, tell them to shut iq), write it down, and drop it in either the big, beauteously decorated box in the union lobby, or in one of the smaller but equally gOTgeous boxes dotted around various departm^tal notice boards. Anyone who has the teensiest-weensiest bit of further intqest in this project is USSU Indents 60's/70's Disco Saturday 6th May Main Hall ВЈ1.00 From trading desk and on Door Prizes for best attire most welcome to come along and (^er a helping hand with organisation and editing etc. We are voyfriendlypeq)le, and you may rest assured you'll be greeted by big smiles. Just drop us a note in the union box. And finally, to the ape who has already twisted the lock on the union box. Please get in touch, we'd really value your views as you must feel so alienated and out-ofplГЎ:e here. Most university courses require some intellect big kisses from the AP team News ^ h i s is a summary of the news as reported in STUDENT, issue of Thu, April 27lh 1989. Chaplain ^ h e r e is continuing controversy over the newly appointed CoS Univo^ty Chaplain, Rev. Robert Ando^n. Students and staH^ have been expressing concern about the way in which his appointment was made, (no student consultation) and his possibly prejudicial views, particularly regarding A ^ S and homosexuality. Anderson wrote [Glasgow Herald, Jan 87]: "AIDS is the judgement of god". A ^)ecial genial meeting of EUSA has been called, with a motion asking EUSA to oppose Anderson's appointm^t in every way, and to demand the U n i v ^ t y to dismiss him. An earlier, low-profile petition calling for his resignation proved unsuccessful. Poll Tax J ^ U Politics lecturer, John Holloway has been threatened with impounding of p^^mal goods, and wage arrestment. f(H' ncxi-payment of Poil Tax. He is one of many students and staff opposed to the Poil Tax, advocating a campaign of nonpaymenL EUCAPT is rumoured to be proposing a motion at the next EUSA GM, calling for non-co-operation in wage arrestmenL Wavebreaker ^ w o EU scientists firom tiie DepL of Chemical Engineering [Gibson & Rea] have successfully collaborated with Glasgow engineedng fГ®rm, Barr & Wray to produce the worlds largest wave machine. The 8ft high device was recently installed at Disney World, Florida. EUSA General Elections 'Y^he annual electicxis for EUSA administrative posts will be held on May llth. R a g presents A F'ancy Dress Disco L o w e r B a r Spin Friday May 5lh BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 5 Now That's What I Cal Free Fest '89 It's been a long time since you've heard ВЈrom King and Co. about the Free Fest at the end of May. Just a roninder ,that the deadline fot aГ¬l you budding Costello*s and Mwrissey's to get your band entries in for the competitГ¬on is now Monday lunch-time. Aheady they've (ali three of them)come pouring in, so get those Gibson's out and start strumming. We* ve got some ^eat acts appearing at the Union. On the Friday ^ t h , Trevor and Simon (of "Going Live" fame) will be doin' their stuff^d this will be leally funny. Everybody should come down and "swing their pants" to this one. Also along with Trevs* and Simes* will be two blokes from the "Jasper Carrott Show" called "Punt and Dennis". Steve Punt has ^ King says, done "Spitting Image" and evoybody's fave "Boblius Monkihouse", which again, King says,takesalotofsГЊdU!! Meanwhile, Saturday promises to be, says Mr Big, a real goody. "Jim Jiminee" are playing. They played last tmn on cme of the Sunday nights, and their new single "Town and Country Blues" has been getting alot of coverage. So come and "swing your pants" to these lads. Sunday will be trendy theatre night with an act called "Beat The Reaper". An alternative name with an altnnative act G think this means they'Ube v o y funny)! More about these later. On Monday, anoth^ excellent night with a bloody funny hypnotist called "Edwin Heath". Renouned throughout the caberet circuit fOT his amazing skills and dazzling humour, or is that da2zling skills and amazing humour? Eith^ way don't miss this one! Well that*s about it for this week, but we've got some "big" things lined up for Free Fest which you should hear about so<Hi. Well Tm off now to practise my nervous grin and my patronising comments ready for Killroy next week, e.g "Yes Robert, I know Tm noi bloody famous but I would like more than two seconds to take the piss out of your guests" lan (and sidekick King) Gilbert and SullivanSociety G+S Pigeon Holes Meet at Senate steps at 5.45pm P a s e d on a novel by E M Fwster Hie story of the awakening of young Lucy whose emotions are rocked when she witnesses a muider and whose lifeis forever altered by the sudd^ and mysterious arrival of a passionate young man. The contrast is then made with the tea-tabling effect of the Hcnne Countries upan such grand emotions, from an era when dynastic families could tof^le over a single kiss. Mz^ped out with ^solute precisiГіn, A Room With A View is decent, honest, truthful and a masterpiece. Tuesday 9 May LT G 8pm 1.20 Trading Desk and Monday and Tuesday lunchtimes in the Union foyer FOT those who missed it o v ^ Easter and for those who want to see it again (plus V A T ) From clean neat legible handwritten copy May 11th 1989 availablefrom ' Heather Ottaway Tate 4/12, or via Battersea Court & A Room With A View From ВЈ1.00 per printed page "Me And My Girl 99 Theatre Trip Tickets ВЈ11.00 Arts Cinema Proof copy to check amendments T^ Printed on high quality bond paper Mathematica! and Scientific notation extra •¿V Fast service ^ Phone Tessa Watson on 01 - 540 9273 for further detaГјs Pap^ Ca4U .fc^ alt ^Du^ ^HeeГЃi BARE FACTS 6 Friday May sth 1989 Crew Column Animal Welfare y^nyone who has recently booked us for adisco will have noticed that we now have NEW BOOKING FORMS!! - these are available from the House Officers, and, combined with the super - efficiertcy of our very own Crew boss, Axl, should mean that organising your parties should now be even easier. Don't forget the forthcoming Main Hall gigs, also Big Country are playing at the Civic on June 2nd, so be t h ^ arul prove to the Borough Council that there's more to Guildford than a philharmonic wchestra! Free F ^ t is kx>ming ahead too, so get those entries in for the band competition. Crew equipment is available for your rehearsals, so don't hesitate to get in contaa with us, any questions, too, about the competition, we'd be more than glad to help - just drop a note in the Crew pigeon hole, or see us around the Union. Crew Person ^ h o s e of you who regularly attend GM's will recall the Animal Welfare Motion of last term. This motion called on Rag to stop donating to charities that fimd vivisection and to actively encourage charities engaged in non-animal, medical research. The motion was eventually passed, albeit in a rather mutilated form. The main sticking point (^)art from the controversy of animal experimentation) was that Rag must contribute a ceratian percentage of their money raised to the British Epilepsy Association, as this is part of the Union Constitution. This charity was one of the chief objections in the motion, although changes to the Constitution require more than one quorate GM. Hoewever, a letter read out by Rag at last Tueasday's G M, sent by The British Epilepsy A^ociation, stated that since 198S, the Association no longer carried out expoiments on animals, such wcnk having been taken over by the newlyformed British Epilepsy research FpoundaUon. Whilst the Animal Welfare Group still condemns the use of animals in medical,or indeed any OUICT, research, the donation of Rag mmey to the Asso- Arts Cinema Presents... Room with a View 9th May Another Country 23rd l\/lay 1984 6th June Manon Des Sources 20th June T-. ciaticMi, who spend their fimds on providing equq>,ent and facilities fw the care and ccHiselling of epilepsy suffers, is quite accq)table. So everybody can Uve happily ever ^ t a without furtiier campaigning on that issue. I would like to thank Rag fw foUowing up this matter by ccHitacting the British Epil^sy Association and for their patience and coq)aation in what turned out to be a very delicate affair. See you at the charities meeting, guys. Now some quick messages to AW Groupies and HuntSabs. Friday May Sth is the day of the Guildford street collectif for Southon Anti-Bloodsp(nls Society. Please can you ^)are sometimeand help out, if only just during the luch hour. Also, next Tuesday May 9th, is the first Animal Welfare Group meetij^g of this torn, 7.00iMn in the Nelson Mandela Committee ROOM. Be there. Rob Edqell. Rag prcseiiis A F'aiГ¬cy Dress D i s c o L o w e r B a r Spiti Friday May 5th We areGoing To Eat You Free Ents Sunday 7th May Live in Union Onstage 9.30pm Pop Will Eat Itself All Tuesdays Plus All in LtG at 8.00pm John Moore and the Expressway All at ВЈ1.20 Season Ticket is ВЈ5.00 (Already missed Two movies) Yeah God Friday 12th May Main Hall Tickets ВЈ5.00-ВЈ5.50 And BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 7 Bare Facts Travel Specia Holiday time is almost here again, when we hit the roads, rails and air ianes to go sunbound. BF prГ©sents a short guide to Europe and beyond, to whet your appetite and provide some ideas. Ail Roads Lead To Shakespeare Italy "..Jlqxvt of fashions in proud Italy, Whose m a n n ^ still our tardy-apish nation Limps after in base imitation." So said York in Shakespeare's Richard n and his perceptive view is still valid today. Italy is the centre of fashion, the home of c ^ e and beach society and, during the Summer, it's hot, hot, hot! How long before we can catch up? The focal point of any visit to Italy should be bustling Rome, or should I say the three Romes - ancient, modem and Catholk:. The ancient relies of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar and Coriolanus's Rome are based mainly around the C^itol and Palatine hills, although the totn relie may be misleading - the F(xum, the Coliseum and the Pantheon are still impiessive. Catholic Rome (ie the Vatican and S t Peter's Square) is truly awe-inspiring and massive, although Michaelangelo's Cistine ChВїq)el is likely to be under scaffolding. Modem Rome is epitomised by maniac d r i v ^ , pizza and pasta and the Trevi Fountain - meeting point f В« the ci^'ssunseekers. Cheap accommodation can be limited in the Summer in Rome, but if you can find it it can be very cheap indeed. It's also good value to go native and eat pizza and sip wine in the city's bars. You go south of Rome at your p m l in the Summer because it really is hot, hot, hot! And anyway, the best beaches are in the N(xth, especially on the Italian R i v i ^ bГЄtween Pisa and Genoa where it's cheap, attractive and there's plenty to do if you get bumed on those golden sands. OГјier hot spots for pedeloes, beach games and b ^ h bars are Ancona and Vwiice. Talking of Venice, in Richard II it was Norfolk who "Retired himself to Italy; and there at Venice, gave His body to that pleasant countiy's earth.." an easy thing to do given that waterboume Venice is quite unlike any other city. Howevo', the spirit of the bard's Merchant lives (HI for it is ВЎn^tty expensive there. Forget the gondolas and take the boat-bus, plenty of sandwiches and plenty of film. FUghlights are SL Marks Square and the Rialto Bridge. Elsewhere, Padua, Horence and Pisa are ali much the same - beautiful monuments and churches, some nightlife - but no beaches. F(vget the lakes in "Lombardy, the pleasant garden of great Italy" (Taming of the Shrew) unless you're bloody wealthy. Ali in Italy is a great place for a cheap holiday with lots of sun, sea, sights, Shakespeare and other things beginning with 's'. Paul van Dijk Deutschiand Uber Ailes? West Germany ( J e r m a n y is best known for beer, wurst, Lederhosen and building fast cars, but there is more to it! It has to be said th^ the booze is plentifiil, particularly if you visit the Oktoberfest in Munich, '^is happens (surprisingly) in early October, celel^ting tte harvest, and is basically for a party which takes OVCT the whole ci^. You can often find beer festivals at varions times of the year in the rest of G^many, and a visit to a Bierkeller is a good idea. There are lots of steins of Гў:x)thing beer served at long tables where everyone sits together and sings drinking songs. A cruise on the Rhine is a good way to see some of the s c e n ^ , casdes and interesting little villages along its banks (although not recommended dSict a few hours in a biericeller). If you choose the right bit of the riva-, you will be treated to the song about the Lareley Rock and its legend, played constantly during the cniise. Also in the Rhineland area lies the Moselle valIey, a smaller, more picturesque version of the Rhine. Vineyardscoverthe hillsides and there are many places selling its fruits. Around Cologne is Phantasialand - a scn of Goman Alton T o w ^ on a smaller scale. Further souih is the Black Forest and Bavaria, a very indГ©pendant area with its own custcxns and traditions. To the East is Berlin, the former Г©ditai of Germany, which is now divided by the wall and is a sort of island in East Germany. Berlin has a brilliant nightlife which caters for ail tastes and lasts until the cafГ©s q}en in the moming. You can also visit the "Haus am Checkpoint Charlie" which has ail sorts of ingГ©nions inventions that people have used to escape from the East Getting to Germany is relatively easy (you can fly to Koln^usseldorf for $87) or cross the channel to Holland and take the train - Germany's rail system is excellent. Once you get there, there are lots of small hГґtels, Youth Hostels (a massive one in Cologne) and further south there are lots of campsights. In gГ©nГ©ral, though, things are more expensive than in Britain. J.C. BARE FACTS 8 Friday May sth 1989 Vodka And Glasnost, Shaken Not Stirred Russia J f you decide to go and judge the situatim in the Soviet Union for yourself, (a very commendable dГ©cision) then don't getany funny ideas about fUIing your case with jumpers, snow boots, and woolly hats. The Russian spring is as warm as the English Summer ani the temperature begins to soar into the thirties round about the end of i^nil. So first of all there is the sunshine to be enjoyed. Unless you are a student (A Russian or have been invited over by Soviet friends, the organisation INTOURIST is the only way that you will get tt) the Soviet Unicm, (Wint^ Palace, Red Square, L^in*s Tomb and the thousand or so war m ^ o rials, statues and broken bells, and all). With a monopoly of the tourist services over there, Intourist likes to divide fcneign^ into neat little groups of 2 0 m 30, like with mГјitary units, each undor the command of a guide. Earlier your guide would have been e v ^ o n e * s idea of a ^ i c a l communist - soberiy dressed, built like the Russian national shot-put champion and ready to spout ideas about Marxist-Leninist ideology. Things have changed, the dress is now raniniscent of last years Burlington spring catalogue range, and Marxist ideas have been replaced by a firm unflinching Standpoint on the impotance of flexible debate and new thinking (Glasnost?) ^ ^ i t h luck, your guide won't be the only Russian that you'11 meet You can*t go anywhere without being accosted every few yards by Soviets eager to make Г± i ^ d s with a westemo*, but usually these people are Black Maiketeo^, who'll willingy buy the s h ^ off your back if you'll let them, and if you are female, watch out fcn* the Russian Romeos (wiГјi distinctly dishonourable intenti(His). Hut if you disiegard these 2 types the resi are sincere in their fnendship and your most pleasant evenings can be spВ«it either rajoying the legendaiy Russian hospitality at someones fiat, or being shown some of the locai ni^tspots which your Intourist guide would assume you were not interested in. This is also the cheapest way to see the Soviet Union, as Intourist, while it has included some of the sight-seeing in the originai prГ№^e will expect you to pay for tickets fcH* the ballet and any otho* tours in hard currency, at about 5 times the normal price that any Russian would pay. Tickets for the Bolshoi, for instance, can cost anything up to 26 pounds...Intourist is out to take e v ^ last penny of hard currency off you and if you won't buy the tickets off them there are always Гљie hotel foreign currency bars (distirxtly variable pnces depending on the honesty of thie barman). If you want some of that famous Russian booze to bring back as a souvenir, the new anti alcdiol laws have made sure that the most ready source will be the hotel foreign currency shop as well. Costs vary from 200-300 pounds for a week long tour, 400-500 for 2 weeks and 700-800 pounds for three weeks. Those who pian on using officiai Channels for entertainm^t should calcГєlate for about 100 pounds on top of that, but those who intend to rely on more traditГ¬onal metlKxls of self-finance will find they need considerably less(!). Veronica Craufurd Yankee Doodle Canada and the USA Q n t a r i o , the Canadian province bordering with The States, is an ideal location from which a po^pective on these two neighbouring, yet highly distinctive countries can be gained. Toronto is the highly impressive, cosmopolitan principal city of Ontario, with a multiuide of attractions for visitors. These include the CN Tower, The Eaton Cuitre, a variety of musГ©ums, gallmes, stately homes and parks, and "Ontario Place" (a mini theme park in t ^ heait of the city). Niagara is an obvious choice w h ^ in this part of Canada. The Falls, though spectacular, are sunounded by a comm^ialized seaside-like town which (rovides plenty evidence of being the honeymoon cГ^ital of the world. Far more attractive and peaceful towns, such as Niagara-on-the-Lake, can be found in the surrounding area. "The Maid of the Mist" boat ride upto the H o ^ s h o e Falls is a popular highlight of the visiL Other attractions in this area include, Lake Ontano for waterspOTts enthusiasts, and "Canada's Wonderland", an impressive rival to Alton Towers. Ontario ГЎlso provides a rare opportunity to visit a Momonite Community within its country towns. These sixteenth century Hughenot refugees have a simple farming Ufesele, shunning all modon conveniences and "westemization". The railway network within CaГ±ada, and between CaГ±ada and The States is poor, but there is a sufficient, if slow, coach service. For those wishing to visit the States, New Yoik City becomes an obvious magnet. The cost of the trip will be dramatically reduced if you are prq)ared to travel ovemight From Toronto this will take about twelve hours. Once in Manhatten peihaps the best advice would be to take a tour. In this way, apart from seeing everything the^ is to see, you will avoid the hoards of murd^ers, r^ists, street gangs, and pimps which litt^ the streets in this den of iniquity. SerГously though, tourists should become aware of the d a n g ^ , especially after visiting oth^ safer cities, such as Toronto, which carry a more relaxed atmosphere. Wamings g i v ^ , such as, "to keep moving" when on the streets, and to travel by taxi at night, will prove valuable. However, if such a scene does not tum you away, the dramatГc world renouned sights of The Big Apple will undoubtedly make your visit memorable. Fire BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 9 Time And Money Switzerland L e t ' s get this straight before we go any further. Switzo'land is a country of very very rich people employing lots of slightly less rich pei^le to do jobs which are actually not very unpleasant at all. As a result, Switzerland is a very expensive place to visit, but it's also very nice. It's a small counoy, geographically comprising of small, friendly, unpolluted urt)an areas, surrounded by huge damn great mountains. The mounmins themselves are great to wake up to, great to drive up, but as hiring a car is (H^tically a financial impossibility, the cxily real way to see them is by train. Some of the trains go up ridicuk>usly steep banks, so be prepared for a shocking ride. Be prepared also for an expensive ride. The Swiss will point you towards a tourist centre like Into-laken (between two lakes, Thun and Brienz, easy eh?) whkh is fair enough, they know you can ' t a^ord the rest of the country. These tourist towns are very bcning, full of Omega timepieces and bizarre but excellent penknives (buy VictВЈMTnox-the most expulsive but the best - the swiss army actually use them) but the main cities, B^ne, Geneva, Basel, Zurich and Luzem have a pretty groovy nightlife (checkout Basel's Atlantis club - Eddy the owner speaks S languages fluently & Alexis Komer played there regularly). The Swiss themselves are a funny bunch. You must und^tand this is a country which still has national service, wiped out the gypsies, and banked for the third Rek:h. All of the mobxways are mined, so that when the war comes, they can all jump into their cars, drive into the mountains and blow up all the roads. Still, they're awfully nice with it, have civilised toilets (unlike the Frrach) and do have lots of lovely mountains. Everything's expensive, excellent quality and the streets are very clean, llie food is great except in Ticino where the Italian tendency for salads greased to death is crfi-so-obvious. Oh yes, lakes. They have beautiful lakes also but they're pretty cold, so I'd stick to the swimming pools, whoe you'll prol>ably have to wear a rubber hat (bit of an unusual thrill for the ch^s) and defГ¬nitely have to pay thru the nasal cavity. So, to summarise, take lots of money if you've got it, be prepared to sleep rough if you don't, and be prepared to be deported if they catch you sleeping rough, or doing anything else vaguely naughty. S.W.P. Rule Brittannia? United Kingdom jQritain may not be everyone's first choice of holiday destination but in spite (tf the imcotainty of the weather, it h ^ a lot to offer. If you enjoy idyllic, rolling countryside and vast expanses of freshwato*, and the outdoor and waterboume activities that go with them, then the Lake District is the place to visit As well as the famous Windermere, there are many pKbiresque lakes like Ullswater and, pГ©diaps most beautiful of all, Coniston Water, of Donald Cambell fame. There are innumo^ble B & Bs in the Lake District at reasonable ВЎnices, as well as comfortable holiday cottages and flats, but avoid visiting in late July/eariy August, especially by car. If you prefer more mountainous terrain then North Wales and Snowdonia should appeal. Amoung the attractions there are Shallow Falls, probably the most beautiful wat^all in Britain, and of course Mount Snowdon, the highest peak in England and Wales. Portmeirion, famous for its pottery and as the location for the cult TV series "The Prisons", is nearby. Sat on a cliff top ov^looking a superb sandy beach, this village, built in the Ital i c style, is an incredible spectacle. Moving South, the Cornil Coast is a more tourist orientated resort. There you can fmd a barrage of attractions from Wildlife parks to an Earth listening station. For the quieter life of the golf course, move inland. There you can play the course that Jack built - Вї e spectacular SL Mallion, designed by golfing legend Jack Nicklaus. This can be expulsive, however at ВЈ30 pCT round, but thCTe are many other good, less expensive courses in the vicinity. This only scrapes the surface of the great variety of quality holidays in Britain, and although they can be more expensive, there are no language or customs barriers and they are easy to plan. Bailey Canals, Clogs And Coke Holland ^mstCTdam is the capital of all things artistic and cultural in Holland, as well as all things seedy and incongruous. The two opposing faces of Amsterdam live side by side, much of a muchness to the visiting tourist • you are just as likely to see troupes of white-cВЈ^)ped, trenchcoated Americans looking at a prostitute in a red-lit shop window as at Rembrandt's "Night Watch" in the Rijksmuseum. The centre of the city. Dam Square, sight of the Grand Palace and National Mcxiument, is within walking distance of all the major sights - Anne Frank's house (now a museum), the Rijksmuseum Г’iome for Rembrandts, VermeCTS and Hals's), the Heineken brewery (home of free beer tasting) and of course the Burgswal, home of the notorious, drug infested red-light district You don't have to look for drug dealers here, they find you. This is also where the best ban and restauraunts are incid^tly. The best way to get around Amsterdam is by bike or canal, and the best way around Holland is by train. Elsewhere in The Netherlands, Den Haag (The Hague), as befits the political capital, is full of fine buildings but littie el%. Volendam and Monnickendam are "living museums" - people th^e wear traditi(Hial dress (including wooden clogs) and live in traditional houses. Amhem has a museum of the famous battle there and Friesland has plenty of cows. Scheveningen is the Amsterdammers' favourite beach resort The tulipfieldsare best seen in May, the Edam cheese is best eaten very mature, the Bols gin is best drunk blue and the hash is best left alone. Prices in Holland are average - B and B in a youth hostel costs about ВЈ6, and a restauraunt meal about the same. The people are very fiiendly, and, importantly, all speak English. Spooly 10 Friday May sth 1989 Bare Facts Holiday '89 BARE FACTS Filnfi Guide With Pete 'n' PhiI Gentlemen Prefer Blond(e)s Scandinavia Well, what can one say about such a weil known part of the world? Quite a lot since it is best known for its beautiful blonde wcMnra and six foot four hunks. But how do you get to this fabled land? At only ВЈ 6 0 return, the boat is the cheapest It's a 24 hour trГp, but you can start your holiday as you mean to go on,by taking a sauna or a late n i ^ t disco. When you arrive language will be no problem as 70% of Scandinavians speak English fiuently and the resi speak enough to be able to help with most problems. Travelling by train? TTien remember to try and take "Red Savers" when in Sweden as they are half price - book in advance for they get full jnetty quickly. Stockholm is a beautiful city bullt on Islands and is also quite small, so it is possible to walk around much of iL The Youth Hostel is unique, because it's built on a sailing ship and oГџers an exquisite view of the old town. It is cheap anid you can stay for up to seven days. Going out, there are many places of interest to see which are not expensive. The main "money-q)ending" tГ¬me comes in the evening, with a pint (they only ser/t lager, mainly) costing between 40-45 crowns, thats about ВЈ4. The cinema costs 50 crowns (films are not dubbed) and a nightclub some 60 to 100 crowns. Furtho" up north in places like Are, Tronheim and Osterund, the views are simply spectacular, as you travel over mountains to get t h ^ . If you enjoy waUdng, this is the place for you. There are hotels you can walk between, but I recommend that you take a tent so that you can take things at your own pace. Well, have a good time, because I certainly did. Marc Vincent. C'est Combien? The cost of your summer holiday Piane, train and travel automobile tickets are available for ali the locations mentioned in the B F Travel Special at the student travel cratre in the Student's Union, including a large numbo* of short term offcrs. Specials this summer include the Int^rail ticket, which covers most of Europe, at ВЈ145 for one calender month. Transalpino is no longer with us, having gone into liquidation so the only other train ticket alternative isEurotrain. Prices and conditions are much the same. It costs just a little more to fly, although you do f(Mfeit leisure and flexibility. H ^ ' s a sampler of prices. Amsterdam, by train, ВЈ34.90 return. Paris, ВЈ23.50 o/w by train, ВЈ39, by piane. Munich, ВЈ58.60 o/w by train and ВЈ39 par avion. New York, ВЈ219 return (by piane, stupid!). Rome, ВЈ54 o/w by piane and ВЈ65.90 byrail (o/w) Berlin, ВЈ84 return winging it. IKxi't forget insurance and visas (and suntan lotion and shades and jabs and the BF travel special) before you go away. Please send us a postcard at Bare Facts. Fri 5tk May for Sevtn Days ODEON, EPSOM ROAD Screen 1 : A NIGHTMARE ONELM S T I V : T H E DREAM MASTER Freddy's back with us once again, and as always under a cloud of controversy. The basic premise of the series (the ghost of a grotesque child murderer who preys on young teenagers in their dreams) has always caused moral indignation in some quarters, but concern over this latest q)isode has focused on the sicko cult foUowing the characta* has attracted and the tacky Publicity campaign being conducted by UK distributors Palace Pictures. A great shame really because some of you will recali that the Wes Craven originai was a stylish and supably packaged movie, and cmain criticai circles reckon that "The Dream Master" is just as good. Only recommended foraffectГonados of the series, though. Daily at 1.45 4.05 6 3 0 9.00 Screen 2 : WORKING GIRL A secretary makes it to the top by impersonating her obnoxious boss, and stealing her boyfiriend on the way. The pk>t seems to have been cuUed from oth^ movies ("The Secret Of My Success" springs to mind), but this outstanding effort from Mike "The Graduate" Nichols has more warmth and conviction in it's little finger than mostromantic comedies these days. Excellent performances from a starry cast, which includes Sigoumey Weavo*, Melanie Griffiths and Harrison Fcrd. Daily at L 1 5 3 . 4 0 6.05 8 3 5 Screen 3 : RAIN MAN Umpteenth week for this worthy, multiOscar winning Hoffinann/Cruise vehicle. Stili packing 'em in, so eith^ boc^ up in advance CM* get there early if you can. Daily at 2.05 5 . 0 5 8 . 0 5 Screen 4 : MY STEPMOTHERIS AN ALIEN Whacky comedy in which Dan Aykroyd plays a cranky scientist whose attempts to contact extra-terrestrials bear fhiition in the shapely form of Kim Basinger. A S(Mt of cross bttween "Starman" and "Splash" but not as good as either movie. Howev^, it does have il*s moments and Basinger shows that she can impress without having to resort to wet T-shirts and other forms of nipple exposure. Daily at 1 . 1 0 3 3 0 6.00 8.40 BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 11 Notices Accomodation In Guildford July & August #95 a month House for 4 , enquire via Acc office (Mrs Smith) or M.Sargent (Maths dept). AGM The Psycho Soc AGM, ThГјrs 11 may at 1 P M in the AD lobby; be there or be analysed... Games Soc (including wargames), Sunday May 7th at 2:(X)pm in the committee room. Be there...or face the Wrath of EI Stripiano. Civ. Eng. Soc A.G.M. will be held at 1pm on thursday May 25th in room 5AA19. General Engineering Society (EIM) AGM, Wednesday 17 May at 1:00pm, in 11BC20. Karting Club The Kan Racing day will take place either in week 4 or wedc 5 this tmn hopefully this won't be in the middle of your exams! To resove your place or find out what a great day out it is call in and speak to lan in SHC 4G, anytime! Chl-Rho Notices Friday 5th May - 1 .OOPM - Lunch & Discussion, Batteisea Court Bar Sunday 7th May - 10.30AM - Act of Worship - Councillor's Fiat -ll.OOAM-Coffee Wednesday lOth May - 7.30PM - Roots of Religion Confumation Course (3) - at 6, Cathedral Qose MIscellaneous Street collectws needed - Friday 19th May for The Bridsh Leprosy Association contact the Sallie (PrГ©sident) Union Offices. playscheme assistants needed - 24th July - 25th August 9am - 5pm 100 pw working at the Ministry of Agriculture, f i r m e s and Food contact Sallie Robins. Student Typing Zssays, Industrial Year ttports. Final Year projects. ReВ«srch tГЌ3S m>Ject5, MSc*s &PhD*d ttc ^ a U d n g about Cinderellas, it was good to see such a large posse down there Afirican Dance Workshop Thursday llth May, 6-7.30pm, Main Hall. The Dance Society is ofГmng an African Dance Wwicshop, taken by Chris Ugolo. The session will provide a basic introductioi to the traditional dances of West Africa, and admission is free. Movement and Dance Class Please note the alteration of day, time, and venue:- Tuesdays 9th and i6th May, 7.30-8.30, Main Hall. Further dates to be confirmed. B e g i n n s welcome. Tutors: Jackie Adkins and Sara Port^. GAPT Meeting T h ^ will be a meeting of the 'Guildford Against the 1^11 Tax* Group on Monday, 8th May at 7.30pm, in TB 11. If you are interested in fmding out the 'facts' about Poll Tax, please join us. Have yfHir documentation typed to the exact standard of ptrscn tГјuon required tor yiHir suhnuston. Typal ur word processed Very good rates, ex uniN^rsity secrclay. PliOSГў iГЄi^phonГЄ GaiUford 234347. Soul Club ^ n y w a y , Soulclub are by no means dead, as we aim to prove over the next eight weГ©kSy initially with a load of discos in the Lower and Hall bars, and also, if I am still social sec., I will be arranging some trips up to London for those who are bored shitless with Cinderwell'ards. Anyway, soiry about the "column" last week - one was written, but there was obviously no room for it cos of the BF B 'day. Oh well, at least they printed most of the facts. Drama and Dance Drama Soc Presents A DRAMA WORKSHOP Improvisations, Sketches Etc. Wednesday lOth May TB18 2:00pm Everyone Welcome on Monday night, lured no doubt by the 50p entrance before 10pm, and also the Tcq) of the pops style miming 'live* apice of Funky Worm, 'hey almost made up for it with good dancing, bu the music was good anyway. To those that went, tell your mates how good it is, and if you didn't have any mates down there you can't be worth worrying about anyway! Imagine Thusrday night prices, non- stop good music, and a bar less than five people deep, and that's Blackout Oh, and also there aren't as many f c k i n ' students! That* s about it for this week. Look out for details of the Philly Soul Tour and Cookie Crew live in the Civic Hall (I'm on the guest list!) on our notice- board. One final thing, our thoughts are with Teressa Buteux, who had the good taste to book us for the Netball Club LBD, and then the bad luck to be hit by a motorbike, leaving her in a coma for a large part of the Easter Hols. She's on the mend now, and if you're reading this, get better soon eh?! ttfn, Jon Stanley Accrrington - A review ^ a h ! Come on. Folk Gub without the odd hiccup just wouldn't be Folk Club, would it ? Anyway, be that as it may, on Tuesday evening, in the Lower Bar, Stan the Man, sex symbol extraordinaire, came to Folk Qub and provided us with much mirth and merriment, in ^ i t e of the problems he had with his guitar in the first half. A shame really, because w h ^ he did eventually play, he was pretty damn "It's hard to be romantic in an abattoir." How true! And so the evening continued...a number of alternative love songs, environmental awareness songs, and lots of fimny stuffl (usually in the key of nyaaa). Some of you just don't know what you're missing! Thanks go to Stage Crew for doing the sound. the audience for turning up, and the remarkably talwited Floor Singers for their invaluable contribution. Next Folk Club date is May 16th, when Nothing By Chance (alias Waterfall) will be the entertainCTS. Seasoned Folk Club afficianados will know what to expect As for the rest of you, why not come along and fmd out for yourselves? Details in next week's BF. Anyone interested in helping with Folk Club, please ccMne to our meetings on THURSDAYS AT 1PM B Y THE UNION STAGE. Any help with publicity would be greatly ai^reciated. Thanks. BARE FACTS 12 Friday May sth 1989 Squiffy goes to the zoo. ^ n d pushing the glasses up his snout, also meant that Chef was about to lapse into meaningful ccmversation of quantum mechanics and all its wonders.. The pool tables w ^ crowded out as usual, the blokes were dicussing the game with intellectual statements and carefully timed commets, "double the eue off^ the c ^ t r e red and plant a kiss (MI the corner cushion with a bullshit factor of no less than 7.." said one brightiy, the Steve Mazea^k of the U X . The girl hamster took her shot, holding the eue totally the wrong way round and gazed at the array of colourГ©d balls infnxit of her. In seconds hundreds of "helpful" males had l e ^ t to her rescue all giving great game advice, and not at all hoping for a quick one behind the bike sheds, honest guv, straight up would I lie to you !!!!! The table cleared as she was wisked away to the bar where many a Cree drink was surely Coming her way. Grez put his money on the table. He was rieh, he only had a thousand pound ov^draft from the Gnat west, wot a lucky bldce the rest thought themselves. Squiffy stared at the money on the table, and decided he'd better put it in the slot as no balls seemed to be f(xthcoming. Grez looked on dumbfoundedly, what would you expect from a ciwie. Mike racked up the balls, and being an expert had got it wrong. Grez broke. What a player, what a performo-, what a prais. The night dragged oa slowly and the hamsters retired to their respective rooms ready for the next day.... Moming struck, and unfortunately for yon squiffy, his head was a little too sore for the worse. Playing pool and drinking eight pints was not his heads idea fun, especially at 10 o'clock in the moming, and today was very special, Squiffy was off to the ZOO... "Come on" shouted Nie from behind the door. SquifГ®y whipped off his stripey grandad pyjamas and slipped on some "flags of die world" boxer shorts under his ripped S O l ' s ( c o r r TRENDY...!n. grabbing his scrotes as he did so. Come cm guys, you know what its like to get them caught...Yowch..!!! (wh^ a tame phrase thought the authcH*..) The little sextuplet of hamsters nished to the station and boarded the train. Squiffy hadn'tbeenthere since that decorative return from the RAM. The train chugged aloig merrily and reached Londcxi in no time. "All aboard the skylaik" shouted squiffy climbing aloft a London bus. He couldn't wait to feed the penguins, and tossed them his tin of sardines. The others caughtuppromptIy,r^indinghimofthe use of can openers before hand. They couldn't believe their eyes. In one of the cages stalked a Ufe size replica of the union President (please don't take offence, you'retaking over in 2 weeks anyway...!!!) The h a m s t ^ went over to the farm compound to strdce all of the little piggies and cowies. In the nightrooms Squiffy saw the creature he'd most wanted to see ali his life, an AARDVARK.... For over seven years since reading a zoo-book at school he had been fascinated by the w(Md,and had p o n d ^ d over what the actual beast could look like. H m it was, in all it's beauty. It lay there defiantly upon its back, legs well spread and long anteating snout poking high into the air. And what was it doing...? Scratching its bollocks thats what, dirty bastard thought squiffy, what a waste of seven years. It reminded him of Chef when he was drunk.... "Time for a photey" yelled Su. She was a psychologist you know. Squiffy handed over the camera and climbed upon Marc's Shoulders. "arrrrghhhh my things stuck" he clammered unn^ingly, but it was too late, with a deafning thundering quake, the two collased in a mess on the ground. Wayne looked on in utter disgust, how childish he thought, dreaming of boiled nmny eggs and soldiers.. .enough to make any normal person yog horr^dously. Helen dashed off for a food stop. Eight hot-DOGS in six minutes, what was she trying to teli the men... l've heard of pirrhanas but this is ridiculous thought squiffy to himself. After eating their pack-lunch inside the cafГ©tГ©ria and ВЎHetending they'd bought it, honest guv.. The hamsters headed fcВ«- the Г©lГ©phant compound and Rosie the RhirK).. Su g a z ^ in marvel at the giant beast but the was uninterested in her prudent efforts to attract his attention. Well in the space of seven hours and 3 pages of sedit on Prime, the hamsters walked in the directi(Mi of the Exit gate. Squiffy grabbed Marc's arm and tried intВ»itly to embarrass him. "How could you" he shouted, "how on earth could you bust the motor of my favourite ACME ISinch anal intruda, (with 10% extra with every purchase), and you didn't replace the powerpack last time". Marc tumed red but Squiffy continued. "Sorry madam, but we're a couple of wild raving screeming benders " lГie party was over and the last dance was gone. The hamsters boarded the same old bus and found a restaurant. Not having much money... "GRANTS NOT LOANS" they muttered together. Well not e n o u ^ to buy an eighth every fortnight They wdered dieir meal, fГ®ve cups of tea and a trendy glass of, oh, Perrier. This was style, a cup of tea in a cheapy run down cafe, and not a sign of Wb- Bishop or "I've got a leally large torso come and play with it Jane" MIKE...!! keeper The drinks arrived promptly, unlike the train service, and were gratefully received. Helen reached for her purse buL Can you withstand the suspense ? Is this just another Neighbours teain-tumor diagnosis, opГ©ration and success type story..? Are all your favourite BF editors really leaving..?(Yes-BF.Ed.Board) find out next week in the Thrilling ? exciting ? (groan) adventures of Squiffy the wonder hamster... WOW... To the Rat-Cave Robbins — The Edge of the Crowd rom a leaflet issuedby theNUS some 'J^he foUowing extract is from the 10 years ago. It is made all the more relevant by the recent legai moves of Section 28 of the Locai Govonment A c t "The homosexual has no problems simply because he or she is homosexual, except those created by the attitude of society, including those created by the law. Among young people in particular these problems include loneliness and dejxession. The young person who is homosexual will find that he or she doesn ' t fit in prc^rly with heterosexual parties, discos, dances, etc., and will give up attending. Because of the fear of the stigma attached to homosexualitv - the fear of losing friends or incurring soci social d i s ^ r o v a l - young men and women will very, very rarely identify themselves as homosexual. Even though there will almost CCTtainly be o t h ^ among their friends in the same position, they wcxi't get in touch. The loneliness of such a situation is depressing. Young homosexual people are aware that the orthodox views of society are against them and may not realise how much these views are being challenged. It is not at all unccxnmon for such a youngster to feel that he or she is the only homosexual on eanh." Eliot Lovell. BARE FACTS Friday May 5th 1989 13 The Outsider Presents... A Letter From AiTierica.... Greetings once again from simny, downtown Boston. I must begin by appologising for not writing for so long but to tell the truth I have been terrified of putting pen to paper Г§^et since the Salman Rushdie a f ^ . As you know the punishment for writing anti-Islamic material is death, what you may not know is that the punishment fw writing anti-Khomeni material is the equally severe measure of being f<Kced to travel on Briti^ Rail without a crash helmet!!! But then I decided that I wasn't going to cower down to the threats of the murderous Khomeni regime - there's gonna be no ass licking fixnn me! Tehran is such a beautiful city, compared to whkh Boston is like a drop of curdled milk drying on the nipple of a lactating camel. And I swear Khomeni's looking youngs every day - what a gec^geous beard he has - so long white and fluffy. I must say I think Rushdie was wrong to print all that stuff in his b o d e . . . those stcHies about the prophet Mohamed and the virgin d(xikey are completely untrue - besides the donkey was seductively dressed and was asking for it! ! I've recendy taken a job as a pharmacy technician at OSCO DRUGS a store whose slogan is "people who care". This store really is into customer sCTvice in a big way and uses cliches such as "We need the customs, the customer doesn't need us" etc. They really go overboard with the training 'though. During my first week I had to watch a dozen videos on how to serve customers. ApparenUy people don't just ccHne in to buy i^iarmaceuticals, according to the videos what they are really looking for is a "pleasant shc^ping experience". So what am I supposed to do • count out their change, light up a cigarette and ask, "how was it for you". "Well it was nice but can I be cm top next time". Anyway - all this pharmacy experience is bound to come in handy, after all how different can a pharmacy in Boston be compared to one in England? Las t wedc a w(xnan came in for some Percocets (strong painkillers) for her boyfriend. When we asked her for his ID in order to fill the prescription she relied that ho^ boyfriend had been shot and the police had taken all his credit cards for identification purposes! W e l l . . . this kind of thing happens in Croydon all the time, doesn't it! I can see it now, a small pharmacy in sunny South Croydon S.lSpm.. . a dude walks in all covered in blood and asks for some Percocets, and since I've handled this situation before I'll say to him, "Bloody hell matey - what happened to you, did you get shot or something..." and he'll say, "No mate this happens to me e v o y day - 1 come home from work by British Rail". I don't know if any of you will have heard about this but last September some dude in South Carolina attacked a school and killed 2 children. Then some other whacko killed S kids and wounded 30 otho^ and, in January of this year, yet another psycho opened fire on 200 with a semi-automatic rifle and killed S Vietnamese kids. This led to a big debate on whether semi-automatic weapCHis should be banned - not all weapons mind you j u ^ the semi-automatic ones! ! I President Bush was asked whether he would be in favour of the ban and rq)lied "I'm not gonna ban automatic rifles which people want to hunt with..." Well it's certainly very courageous of President Bush to stand up for the rights of huntere - after all, hunting schooUdds is a proud traditi(xi in this country and something has to be done to keep their numbers (town . . .They can become real pests in large numbers (especially cm buses) and remember - the fewer the school kids the less it will cost Mr Bush in future student loans! Hwe are some statiistics I came across recently that really scared the crap out of me... (1) During '84 & '85 the no' of people that died from injuries inflicted by fire arms in the U.S.A. was 63,897 which is more than the numb^ of casualties that the U.S. suffered in the entire 8 and-a-half years of the Vietnam war. (2) Despite all the troubles in Israel, more people were killed in Washington DC then on the West Bank last year. (3) The number of people murdered by luuid guns in 1985. Canada 5 (population 25 million) Britain 8 (population 57 million) Japan 46 (popul^on 146 million) USA 8029 (population 250 million) Now for what's new on the music scene. "G-G-G-Girl you know its t r u e . . I'm in love girl.' - Got it yet! ! ! One more clue two black dudes with really long hair from Holland - Got it yet!!! OK, one last clue - they wear women's clothing and Doctor Martin Boots! Yep - Minni Vanilli have arrived in the Good Old U.S. of A and that bastard song has been going round in my head for the last four days. Roy Orbison is doing reallv well in the charts (amazing how death can breath new life into you! !!). Debbie Gibson is at no' One again,(amazing how brain death can breathe new life into you!!) and the professional pseudo-virgin Madonna is up to h ^ old tricks again in h ^ new video "Like a Prayo-". This is a video in which our heroine tries something completely d i f f e r e n t . . . remember "Material Girl" in which she played a slm in Hollywood and "Like a Virgin" in which she played a slut in a wedding dress, well now you can see her playing a slut in a church AND in front of some buming crosses!!! Appar^Гјy the video has been getting some stick from the Catholic Church in Italy. The Pope wanted more cleavage and so the video has been withdrawn until they can rectify the situation. Yet another "artist" has been getting vast amounts of money by doing commercials for Pepsi. This time its Robot Palmer whose latest song is called "Simply Irresistable" and cOTsists of lyrics such as, "her methods are inscrutABLE, the proof is irrefutABLE, she's so beautifully kissABLE ...etc, etc". For Christ's sake Bob, are there any more words ending with "ABLE" that you would like to share with us ...How about, "Cucumber is her favourite Veg^able, her rubber doll's inflatable." etc,etc. Movie News : Dustbin Hoffman is excellent in Rain Man, but my award fcx the best film so far this year goes to "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" with Michael Caine and Steve (the man is a genius) Martin. For 45 minutes its the best laugh I've had in ages. The 2nd best laugh was provided by "Planes trains and Automobiles" yet again starring Steve Martin. I tell you if reincarnation woiics then I want to come back as Steve Martin... Unless of course he's got a really small dick or something! That reminds me, I woke up this moming with a strange dream about whale's song fresh on my mind. I was puzzled by this until I realized that I was able to hear the couple next d o ^ vocalising the delights of the reproductive process. Put 1 and 1 together and you inevitably end iq) with 3 - unless of course you use a condom. OK, that's all for now, D.Patel: your American Correspondant. BARE FACTS 14 Friday May sth 1989 Sport Facts Uau Is Mere Again This Saturday Surrey Cricket and Tennis fennis teams entertain Read- times between luh and 2ish,, in the Union foyer. See posters fcn* ing in the first of the 2 rГ©gional qualifying matches. Our teams details. this year (В»xxnise to l i v i d e lots of entertairmient- whetho* or Colours: Recipients will be confirmed in the next fortnight, and not it's successful entertairunent is anotho* matter but what the those successali can rejoice in the knowledge that they can purhell: if the weather's anything like Wednesday's come on down chase slightly subsidised tickets, thanks to the vice<hancelkn'. and grab a deckchair. ^ d yes, the bar is open all day. Tro{rfiies: Could last year's winners return them please. I have CONGRATULATIONS to our Ist team Cricket captain, Alan received NO nominations for the Hari Sutherland or Sue Jupe Hansford, who is currently playing for Combined Universities Troi^ies which are awarded to the students contributing most to in the Benson and Hedges CompГ©tition, and did so supo^bly last the playing and organisation of male and female sports respecweek in their historic victory over Surrey. Next T h u r ^ y Comtively. Could I have any nominations within the next week bined Urtivo^ities take on the might of Worcesto-^ure. If please- if there are no suitable candidates thra they will not be anycme's int^sted in seeing Alan bowl against die likes of Hick awaided this year! and Botham, thoe's a minibus going up fcM* the day. Congrats too to Rob Marsden, skqjper in '87, who has been seleГ§ted for the Southern Universities team due to play Wales soon. Wow! ONE entry this week- thanks Lucy. Let's try VoUeyball one more time next week. If there's not enough entries then we'll cali it a day fa* this year, and FU publish the resuits soon. Tidcets: Sales start next Thursday- printer willing- available Swing yerpants from me if you can find me (M*, on M(xiday and Friday lunchKev Sunday Sport Sports Dinner Radio Surrey Column J ) u r i n g the Easter vacation there was a change in management at Radio Surrey. Our thanks go to Richard WomersIey and Tony I ^ k for they have done over the past year. The new mob shape up like this : Station Manager - Paul Hutton Programme ContrГґler - John Moreland Disco Manager Tom - Key News and Features Ed. - Jermifer McAlister We are trying to increase the local and campus news content c^ our programming ^ ^ f y j ^ J E f e ^ but to do so we need a couple of peq)le who are willing to give up about an hour a week to collect informationAiews and to wiite it into a script lOam-1 lam Fred Marden along with two guests reviews new and yet to be released singles and albums. 1 lam-lpm The Radio Surrey Chart with Fred Marden. 7pm-9pm Sabirday Night Dance Party with ' D e ^ House' Jon. Tliat's all for now, John. BOX OFFICE 0483-444555 G u i l a r o r a TUES 9th MAY "BIGGEST EVER BLUES BASH" MEN THE dbdГ€IE BROTHERS 1 HlHG THKYCOULDNT with locai herces SAMMY RATS BIG BIG BLUES BAND FRI 26th MAY only ВЈ5:00 PLUS SUPPORT ВЈ5:50 THГњRS Ist JUNE ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ JOHN MARTYN & ROBERT PERRY ВЈ6/ВЈ7 fri 2nd JUNE ffifB
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