Accommodation Who Can Attend? Chief Patron

Cover Art by Christine Wagner В© 2012
For more of her artwork, please visit:
Dear anonymous reader,
A bond and connection between two people
can be so strong that,
the bond itself becomes intangible.
In order to bring it back down to earth,
to being as tangible as their touch;
we write love letters.
With love,
The love letters anonymous crew
The children of my first marriage,
This little handful of stones and songs and memories
Digging through them is like falling down a flight of stairs.
The torch I gave you,
Your hand on the bow,
Our cigarette between your fingers,
The flowered flask sloshing in my pocket while we dance.
That little tick, you do with your eyes when you looked at me,
The leaves under us, the moon through the trees,
The boots you wore in that story you told me,
Your beautiful, small hands.
Dog chase cats,
Or the starry sky we watched together.!
My friend Alysa posted a note on how not to
how to be a good Valentine.
Let me start by saying I think we get it right in
grade school every child writes a Valentine to
every other child in class. Think of the shyest,
most awkward kid in school on that day, he
or she receives dozens of cute sweet notes
from classmates. How cool is that!
ay as a time to tell the people around you that you care
about them. Obviously you are going to do something special for the significant
other in your life, but you should also do something for your best friend, your
office mate, your neighbor or even for the person that serves you coffee at
So here are my thoughts on how to be a good Valentine:
-- to
my loved one, my friends, the people I work with, the casts of the shows I am in,
performers who have touched me with their work, everyone. Flowers are delicate
expensive, a single rose or carnation is enough to show someone that you care.
White for purity and innocence, yellow for joy and happiness, red for true love or
deep friendship.
As much as I am a product of the information age, there is nothing more
touching that receiving a hand-written note from a
piece of paper is enough.
you laugh or
their desks or workstations, send them a poem or a drawing of a rose to their
office or hotel room, have a barbershop quartet sing melodies to them at work,
bake them cookies, take them for a surprise picnic in your living room.
I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made
though and emotion behind it. As I have been saying to the cast of my current
show-- Have FUN with it!
To everyone
to your lover, but also to your mother, father, sisters, brothers,
sons, daughers and most of all to your friends. There are all different types of
romantic love, platonic love, playful love, love that comes out of respect
and admiration, love that comes from being thankful for the people around you.
continue to do so, as often as you can, every other day of the year.
That is how to be a good Valentine.
D ear Spider-Man,
I saw you high above the astonished crowds, this shimmering streak of red and blue anonymity
amidst the cold gray of the city skyline. T ales of your greatest triumphs and bitterest defeats are
talked about on the sidewalk all the time. I 've seen you compassionately save the lives of people who
would hurt you if they could.
Y ou aren't perfect; your mistakes have cost you. I don't blame you for the unfortunate death of
G wen Stacy during that fight with the G reen G oblin, although you seemed visibly shaken, holding
onto her lifeless form at the edge of the E ast River. I cannot fathom the grief and guilt you must feel
in those situations. But you prevail regardless. Y ou don't let circumstance perturb you. Y ou fight for
what you believe in.
I 'll be honest, it has been very downhill for me. A reversal of fortune in my once burgeoning life
has stripped me of my self-respect and confidence. I used to wake up before the sun. N ow I am
surprised if I can even wake up before the moon. I used to believe in myself, Spider-Man. T he world
has thrown its punches and can't get up for the life of me.
Spider-Man, how do you become the hero? Y ou defend a city that treats you like the villain.
Sometimes you lose the fight, only to stand up and fight again. Y ou take on opponents much
stronger than you in a weakened state and defy the odds while the public you serve wants to see you
fail. I can only assume you have sacrificed a personal life in desperate need of your attention. What
do you know or trust that can possibly make you that strong and enduring? What philosophical
viewpoint or emotional catalyst do you have that sustains you despite the lack of gratitude or
reward? H ow are you willing to sacrifice your life for a community that never asked for your
services? I 've seen you in action; I know your inconceivable feats of strength and agility. But I have
also seen you take a beating. I 've seen the blood rush from your wounds like any other human.
Y our unwavering determination is your true superpower, and I refuse to believe a radioactive
spider endowed you with that. We don't all have that amazing origin story, but I know toughness
is someone disregarding their vulnerability for something larger than themselves. I don't exactly
understand your specifics, but one day I hope to be as tough as you, Spider-Man.
Y our Friendly N eighborhood John D oe
Loved and Lost
As I look back on the things you'd say I wonder how long you knew
it would end this way
I tell my self it wont be long till the memories dull and
the hurt is gone
But the gash in my heart since we're now apart
makes me feel like I'm back, right at the start
Theres an emptiness that today is new
and it feels so strong when I think of you
The times we struggled and the times we faught
have seemingly all come to naught
there where nights we promised, and so much we would share
but now it just sucks that you're not there.
I can't believe I am actually writing you this letter. I can't believe I'm even trying. Day after day, Camilla,
I walk from class to class, to and from my car, in and out of bed, from friends' houses to my own, in a
dazed stupor. Every waking moment is hinged on a twinge of guilt, as any specter of life, whether it be
love, death, friendship, etc. crosses my mind, so do you. Every story and every song I hear, I see you. I
see you smiling and I see you crying. Every word spoken of freedom and hope I listen to by artists,
rappers, political theorists in all arrays of contexts, my mind harkens to the memories we made, Camilla,
to the proclamations of our hope in the future, of our freedom found in the love we shared, and the
serenity it instilled in my spirit then, that now when I look back, has the golden hue of a lost treasure, a
forsaken treasure. Those golden summers we made for ourselves, Camilla, I have never been happier.
And today, I sit on my ass, crying, trying to write you this letter, and I can't believe it. It's like I've
committed a murder, and this is my confession. Like I've killed you with my selfishness, and your spirit
remains, haunting me. Not just your remaining presence in my heart and its corrosive sting, but your
angel too, who walks the halls of school, a beacon of beauty and light whose splendor reaches beyond
my understanding. And writing to an angel feels so hopeless and helpless, an angel whose voices is now
so distant and remote from me, that I have never felt so lonely. And I pushed you out of my life so
quickly and suddenly so, the void you left behind can only be filled with the pain, with all the shame. And
the shame brings me to tears almost every day it seems...when I clutch my chest and look in the mirror,
and the panicky questions scream at me when I look into my eyes. “Who are you? What have you done?
What the fuck were you thinking...”
For the first time in my life, I feel like I have regressed entirely, like my growth has been stunted. And for
hard it is to live with myself, I cry because I know the pain I feel doesn't compare to the pain I've caused
you. It makes me cringe. It makes me feel sick of myself. It makes me feel selfish for crying and I cry
some more.
I'm slowly coming to the realization, Camilla, that the best thing I have to hope for is that you can one
day let go of me, for good. And personally, I'd rather you forget I exist than hate me, and I think you'd
agree, though for different reasons. I'm all alone, and I deserve to be alone. Maybe one day, some time
future, we can speak once more, but I may be wishing myself an impossibility. I do not know. All I know
is that, it’s getting harder and harder every day, and I need to let you know how I feel. I am tempted to
write more, but I'm so afraid of hurting you more. I'm in Chile, Camilla. Everyone asks me where you are,
why I haven’t brought you. Not even the Mediterranean air and my mountains bring me solace.
Dear Elliot
I should be sitting on someone else’s balcony, smoking a cigarette, talking about Germany. I can let him
kiss me and maybe I’ll be happy for a while.
But I fell in love with you when you were moving between doorways. That night. So long ago. You
won’t even remember me, but I smiled. I did smile.
You were arrogant, you were unashamedly arrogant. And girls fell at your feet. Because you were
suntanned and strong and beautiful.
And then you changed. You moved to England and you came back and the boy was gone. In his place
a man who could never love a fuck-up like me. Sweet, silent Economists simply do not marry messed
up smoking, drinking, swearing, slutty artist types.
Yours truly, always. You broke my heart.
Ps. I quit smoking for you for a day…
TITLE: Getting Carried Away
Dear Thea,
Thea, my sweet invisible girl
Theaaaaa, I sing.
[He and I measure our love in lengths of albums played, hours gone by]
Thea, Thea, you're пїЅlitting through the trees, arms linked with other muses
I hear your voice so clearly, but will our skin ever touch?
[I see the possibilities in his eyes, like little universes
all the silly, bad love songs make sense
We compose, like collage-artists
adding harmonies on top of molasses-like music
pouring the sticky, slow sweetness everywhere
It covers everything now
we work, feverishly, passionately
in one place
Arrows through apples
quivers still shaking
warm heart blood dribbling, lacing our пїЅingers
I'll never, ever grow too cold to trace hearts on his back while he sleeps
listen to his breath and count all the kisses with imaginary numbers]
And picture a sweet, barefoot girl
dancing, grape-vine steps, through the grass
Out in the universe
off in another plane
dancing sweetly to the songs he and I will play
Maybe we'll beckon you to come down, someday
Your Earth Mother
To Ambiguity,
We talk at each other without ever saying anything.
The line is always shifting its location.
“We’re not friends,” but we’re not anything else either.
You make me smile and laugh when I don’t feel like doing either of those things.
And everyone’s life can use a wrecking ball once in a while.
So what the hell difference does it make?
What never grows old can never die.
In mornings I sit, 'neath dawns first rays
Bathed in light 'n glorious new sounds
But all this pales, the mere birth of a day
To your smile, all of Helios' daily rounds
Your fairness of figure and face, unmatched
No parallel exists to your beauty and grace
All the wondrous dreams my mind has hatched
Hold not a candle to the radiance of your face
I'd forsake suns' light, and live under clouds
With you at my side, my life'd still be brighter
Together to live, laugh and cry I'd be proud
The heaviest burdens would be so much lighter
Lost in your eyes, twin pools of brown
So rich I could cry, so deep I could drown
To Whom It May Concern,
I’ve told you what and who you are to me. I’ve written you letters, I’ve written
you poems, I’ve made you books about fishes. We’ve seen each other at our worst and
our best and lived to write another letter. So here is a list of things you already know.
Most of it might be redundant, but you’re the one who told me everyone likes to be told
these things, even if it doesn’t seem necessary.
The following is a list of things that I love.
1. I love easy things. And dancing my cares away. Loudly. Down the street.
While attached to you so you can’t run away from the crazy person.
2. Magic Pills. I “dap” for them. That’s love.
3. That face you make when you’re annoyed. Like whenever I do something
completely ridiculous. And then do it five hundred more times after you tell me
not to do it again. And by completely ridiculous I mean ridiculously adorable and
painfully cute. You should actually probably reevaluate your facial expressions,
sir. Annoyance is just not an appropriate response to how awesome I am. пЃЉ
4. How offended you are by my hatred for your favorite movie. And how it’s the
first thing you tell EVERYBODY about me when I meet them. But, it is a valid
thing to tell people. It’s an awful movie.
5. I really love that simply reading number probably made you just a teensy bit
angry. You even probably made the annoyed face, didn’t you? But now you’re
laughing, so it’s okay. I’m cute again and no longer a terrible person.
6. I adore going places with you. Art museums. Road trips to the Deep South. The
couch to watch some Dr. Who. Everyday is an adventure, regardless of the
7. Peanut Butter. Especially in cookie form. Oh, and websites dedicated to ugly
pictures of baby Jesus. Both of those things are equally amazing. And totally go
together. And belong on this list.
8. Your wonderful ability to teach me something everyday. And the fact that you’ll
continue to talk even after I interrupt you a million and a half times by breaking
into random songs. Remember, it’s not annoying. It’s cute. And you love me.
So it’s absolutely okay. (I also like how you’ll ask me a million and a half
questions about every little thing I read until you know every detail. You let me
make you fall in love with books you’ll never have the time to read. I bet you
charm all the girls with how well read you are.)
9. Even when things are hard and we can’t be near each other and there never seems
to be enough hours in the day to get anything at all done, let alone the giant pile of
shit that threatens to devour our lives, you understand. You’re patient and
wonderful and always take my general frustration with life in stride. And the only
thing you ever ask of me is to do the same for you.
10. I love you. Thanks for being awesome with me all the time everyday.
As time passes on I've realized how lucky I am to have had to live only moments
without you in it. I can not image how lonely this world would actually be if I did not
know that you would always be there besides me. That no matter how dreary the
worst of days can be knowing that you are out there some where makes my pains
melt away. And if I ever have needed a comforting word, you've never withheld your
affections. This love you have shown me has made me into a person that I am
proud of.
I know you deserve better and I hope that one day I can resemble that someone. I
can only pray that your patients never wears thin until that day п¬Ѓnally arrives. At
many times knowing you has been the best part of my life, full п¬Ѓlling when nothing
else could be. A rock when I was too unstable and a untempered wind when I was
stuck in the usual rut. You always know how to be the best person for me when I
need it most.
You have my eternal greatness and love for all the kindness and joy you have shown
me. I can only hope that there will be more years to come.
To an eternity of friendship and love,
This is not just another love letter. This is not just another story. This is it! Nothing in my life is as big as this.
This is the most important chapter in my life and I am not going to feel guilty about giving it the importance that
it deserves. We loved each other. We lost each other. I dint think our love special enough to stand the tides of time.
But when I spoke with you after so many years, everything just came rushing back to me. I don’t think the love,
passion, good will or friendship that we shared, ever left me.
For the first time in a long time, I have seen you so helpless. Even though it looks like you are still figuring
things out, you have always been assertive about your actions. Today was not like any other day. Today it looked
like you needed support. В And it breaks my heart to know that I am the reason for this.
I just want to take a minute, step back and see how far we have come along. I know our world is really
small and we are the only two people in it. Even then, this relationship between us feels like the world to me. I am
so amazed at you. Never in my life had I thought I would find you when all I ever did was, wait for you. Yes, you are
the one. You are it! You will always be the one! Sometimes I feel so selfish that I want to keep you all to myself. If it
were up to me I would just spend every minute of my waking hour only with you, thinking about you, for the rest
of my life.
You are the biggest and greatest truth of my life. You are and I just cannot deny it. I am not sure, if I even
deserve so much love. В I am completely head over heels right now. I have stopped asking why a long time ago. Coz,
reason doesn’t matter anymore. All of this feels way beyond any rhyme or reason. Love is such a powerful feeling.
I now realize that.В Thank you for showing me my own potential to love someone with so much passion.
Nothing that I am saying is exaggerated or unwanted. How can I move on from something so amazing
and magnetic? В How can I move on from you? Is this even possible? Is this even something a person can just do? It
felt like I was running away from my own happiness when I lost you. If this isn’t real then what is. If this isn’t perfect
then what is? Moving is not even an option. I think the pain of carrying you in my heart will give me much more
happiness than moving on. How can the world expect me to let go of something that I feel so strongly about. I
know it’s not fair for me to ask you to let go either. And I can only imagine your difficulty in it.
The truth is you have been so magical and charming that my current life feels very ordinary to me.В You
showed me how to love and you will always be my first love. I will cherish this magic forever.
Dearest Me,
You are a mess. You make bad decisions. You are irrational. You are extreme. You are
complicated. No, complex. You are minimal. You don’t know how to communicate.
You tell me the best things though. You don’t allow anyone to get as close to you as
you have allowed me. You never will. And that is because exposure would spoil the
mystery. You think differently. Although some think it is weird, I know that you are
amazing. You are passionate and eager. Maybe you aren’t the best at anything but you
do your best therefore you are the greatest. You are always here for me. No one else is
as accessible as you. You don’t know how to love but I can teach you because I love
you. At the end of the day, that is the only person you can be sure of loving you, no
matter how badly you fuck up. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Love Me.
couldn't stop from happening. But we don't. We still dress up and go out to restaurants. We still watch TV,
play video games, and eat take out. We still go on walks through parks and hiking trails. We still discuss
books and go to museums. We still write love letters. We still have good days. And in my humble opinion,
every irrational moment of happiness, is a moment in which we stand unscathed by our misfortune. You
laugh, and flood oblivion with bliss. You smile, and death quivers in fear beneath your feet.
Broader than friendship, Deeper than Romance, Beyond my words, I send you the Greatest
Your Cigarette Smoke
If lost I am, I find fault with your gaze
Lured as I was, into their timeless maze
To wander in this mellifluous haze
An innocent glimpse and I'm all but caught
By bonds and tethers that can't be fought
in a gentle snare, spell that you've wrought
If I am trapped, your eyes should be blamed
By them I'm enchanted, my spirit is tamed
This subtle power, ineffable, unnamed
Held captive by ties I'd fear to brake
Willing victim of such pleasant restraint
In this dulcet utopia that you create
Windows to your soul, out I cannot fly
In which, to lose mine, I would try
I see the end of me there, reflected by
These, your almond eyes.
To you,
We are stupid for being in love... you live so far away, I have a different boyfriend, your
parents hate me, we both have a hard time committing but there is no one like you. I
love that you will get fancy when I want to wear a nice dress. I love that you know
what I mean without having to make sense. I love that you think I’m beautiful and tell
me whenever you can. I love that you have confused me wackiness for sexiness. I love
that you love to give back massages. I love that I can tell you anything. I love that
when I see you, it is like nothing has changed over the 3 years apart. You are perfect to
me. Basically, I love that you are the only person that I love more than myself.
Love Me.
In a vessel which hollow echoes sound.
To stay and linger I'd tempted be
But rest is not for such as me
I've burdens to bear, promises to keep
And scores to settle before I sleep
So once more I go into the breach
Along my way can't help but think
I've come to balance on this brink
Amidst obligations options shrink
Bittersweet potion I've made to drink
On this razors edge I'm left to stand
No one ahead to lend a guiding hand
Harsh purpose cuts away the land
Stark the view this precipice commands
Of potential lost to austere demands
Not much of me here still remains
Passing through too many flames
Yet tempered now by fire and rain
Washed clean of many an old stain
All the tawdry tethers cut left plain
Few the ties under which I strain
In my simplicity I can see clear
Each thing in life that I hold dear
All I'd guard with life and spear
Held in my heart forever near
This burden with fierce pride I bear
To fight for all those in my care
From all harm to shield and spare
The only thing left to regret
My eyes too briefly on you set
And even though we've never met
Shall never share a sweet duet
I would dare ask you not forget
That my quiet love endures yet
Scribbled now in deep secret
I give to you, this last octet
Dear G,Q.
Your indifference makes
me hate myself.
Have fun with whomever
You’re fucking this week.. …
I mean.. …
Happy Valentines Day
With Love
Dearest Love,
Sometimes, when I find myself thinking about what's important to me in my life, I'm reasonably
sure I've gone mad. That somewhere along the way, I realized that there's this one glaring flaw with
everything I'm attempting to build, accomplish, and prove, that sort of puts the lie to it all, makes it all
sort of futile. I've acknowledged this, yet I keep going, for no pressing reason, when I should probably
be reevaluating and changing direction. I feel like this should be at least a little distressing to me, as to
all appearances it sort-of-perhaps-might-kind-of look like I'm willfully throwing my life away. But I'm
not distressed. I think I might have lost the capacity for distress. I want you to know that I hold you
solely responsible for all of this. Somewhere along the way my mind broke in a very peculiar way, and
I blame you.
I'll do my best to explain, in brief, I can't be bothered to go into depth (you can read my thesis
paper on it if you really want to), because lets be honest, I don't owe you a goddamn thing, not at this
point anyway. The driving force behind my decision to go to war went something like this: I knew what
was important to me in my life, and I felt obligated to prove, to myself, and the world, and also to the
object of importance, exactly how important it was. Now, the only things in my life of any importance
were my relationships with my friends (this umbrella covers family as well), and the amount you care
about something is directly proportional to what you're willing to sacrifice for it. So if I was true to my
belief, I would be willing to risk, and if necessary sacrifice, my life in order to protect my friends. I
wanted it to mean something when I told my friends, or my future wife that I would die for them. So
naturally I went off to go make friends in the army, and see if I really believed everything I preached.
When put to the test, I behaved exactly as I thought, and hoped I would, sort of. I had always
thought that there were certain things you couldn't know about yourself until you'd been put to the test.
Things like how a person reacts when it all comes down to the wire, when lives and futures are
threatened, and everything is hanging by a thread, suspended by one's ability to do the right thing
without hesitation. Now that I have been there and done that and know exactly how I behave in such
situations, I feel like the only thing I really learned is that I behave in all the right ways for all the
wrong reasons. I've almost died more than a few times. I've stood on top of hidden IED's, as trucks
passed by, mere inches from rolling over the pressure plates which would have triggered explosions
that probably wouldn't even leave enough of a dental record to identify me with. I've had rocket
propelled grenades air burst over my head, or miss the vehicles I was riding in by less than a foot. In
firefights I've watched rounds from AK-47's and PKM's kick up dirt right in front of my face as they
impacted the ground around me, as I returned fire, or maneuvered to better cover. I never froze up, I
never hid, or ran away from the fights. I located the enemies' positions and lit them up like Christmas
trees. And honestly, it wasn't such a big deal.
And therein lies the problem. I mean really, how can almost dying not be a big fucking deal? I
mean, my friends being the most important part of my life, I had to act as I did, so I understand not
being surprised at myself, but I should have still had that rush of adrenaline. That “Holy fucking shit I
can't believe we made it through that ok” feeling. But it was conspicuously absent. And the obvious
answer as to why, is that my life doesn't really mean all that much to me. Which is really what I proved
to myself. While my friends are without a doubt the most important part of my life, they don't really
have very stiff competition. It turns out I'm willing to risk my life for a lot of things. Like to save a little
bit of time by cutting corners I really shouldn't (only when no one else is put at risk mind you), or
because I'm bored, or... whatever. You get the idea. And like I was saying earlier, it's all your fault.
I remember sitting in a concrete bunker behind a M2 .50 calibur machine gun, manning the Entry
Control Point at the FOB on guard duty, on a day I was supposed to have had off, thinking about the
deployment, and what I would do after it. It was striking, even at that point, how lucky I had been. It
was more striking how many of my friends hadn't been so lucky. There had been too many nights
saluting helicopters, lifting off into the night, after we had loaded them with the caskets holding our
brother's remains. Too many days securing landing zones so that the Medevac birds could lift our
wounded out of battlefields, some which had been hot mere seconds earlier, and get them desperately
needed medical attention. And while all the shit happening to the people I cared about ate away at me, I
was acutely aware of how unconcerned I was about the possibility of it happening to me. And that in
itself held a certain peculiar, dim sort of terror. I thought that perhaps the problem was that my
relationships with my friends weren't immediate or constant enough. Despite how much they meant to
me, they weren't involved or integral enough parts of my life to make it seem that important to me. So
naturally I thought what I needed was you. Someone who shared my life, and knew me as a complete
person, rather than just a facet of my personality.
The problem is, of course, that I have absolutely no idea who you are or where to find you. I
remember promising myself, while I gazed out at a distant mountain range, wreathed in dust which the
wind had kicked up, and would eventually carry right into my face, that if I made it back home in one
piece, I would scour the Earth until I found you. Because, I mean, it's a tab bit terrifying, sort of
unthinkable that I could let myself come over here, without ever having met you. How can a person go
off and take these insane risks, and leave something that important undone? And I did try, when I got
back. Not as urgently, or thoroughly as I should have, or apparently needed to, I guess. But it turns out
you aren't really that important to me either. As I'm already considering transferring units so I can
deploy to Afghanistan again, almost a year ahead of schedule. And for what? Mainly because I don't
like my boss, and would, apparently, be willing to risk my life, and any potential relationship we might
have together just to get away from him. Even when you throw in the fact that there's no gaurantee my
new boss would be any better. So where does that leave me?
Copyright В© 2012
Thank you to all who contributed.